Bar mitzvah parties don’t diminish the rite of passage

Thursday, May 14, 2009 | by stacey palevsky

On May 1, my colleague, Amanda Pazornik, wrote a colorful and entertaining feature story about safari-themed bar and bat mitzvah parties that added wild animals to the guest list.

Many rabbis and lay leaders wrote letters and e-mails berating us for running this story. They said it “reduced their achievements” to “lavish parties” and that it “undermined the hard work” of rabbis and educators  who teach young people about the central principles of becoming a bar or bat mitzvah.

Rubbish.

This column is dedicated to these letter-writers and opiners. Before you write another angry letter,  sit down with a few American Jewish tweens. Ask them to put aside their iPods and talk to you for five minutes. You’ll see that a safari-themed bat mitzvah party with a zebra reflects their reality.

Which is: They are awkward. They are self-absorbed. They like Miley Cyrus way more than Shakespeare or Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel. They are not immediately preparing to get married and be fruitful and multiply (at least, let’s hope not).

Rather, they are learning algebra and going to school dances and buying Clearasil in an attempt to hide the puberty surfacing on their T-zone. Sometimes they’re experimenting with sex, cigarettes and even their own identity. They might like themselves, but more often, they wish they could be prettier, smarter, more likable. Adults usually don’t “get” them. But they usually don’t “get” themselves, either.

In this context (which I call Reality, welcome!), the bar/bat mitzvah in America no longer symbolizes children entering adulthood — and anyone who still thinks otherwise is living in denial.

Don’t get me wrong, the bar/bat mitzvah in the United States still has plenty of meaning — you can see it in mitzvah projects that raise thousands of dollars,  books or blankets, many of which j. has written about in the past. And teens absolutely write thoughtful d’var torahs that they give, poised and articulate, from the bimah.

That’s because teenagers are multifaceted, complex and sometimes downright weird. They can tell you why composting is good and Styrofoam is bad; they can also tell you why the Shins’ latest album is awesome. They can be on top of the world when a teacher praises them, and the very next hour be devastated that no one talks to them in math class.

I don’t have kids. I do, however, spend a significant amount of time teaching teens (at Oakland Midrasha) and interviewing them (as the unofficial education reporter for j.). So I feel confident saying that teenagers are smart — smart enough to absorb the rich spiritual tradition of their bar/bat mitzvah and also do the Electric Slide at the after-party.

I realize that for many young Orthodox children, the bar/bat mitzvah rarely comes with a big bash. And that’s fine. But if you’re a non-Orthodox teen, the bar/bat mitzvah is not only about Torah, trope and tikkun olam — it’s also about throwing a hecka cool party. Those who think otherwise are deluding themselves.

Thirteen-year-olds once stood on the precipice of adulthood. But today, 13-year-olds are not legally allowed to work, marry or drive.

If we really want to return the bar/bat mitzvah to its roots of self-discovery and personal growth, we’d change the age to 16, 18 or even 21 — birthdays that invite real adult responsibilities.

In the meantime, we should remember that a bar/bat mitzvah party with a giraffe on the guest list does not preclude God’s invite.

A big party doesn’t necessarily corrupt a meaningful rite of passage. We live in America, after all, a land where anything is possible; we practice a religion constantly wrestling with the issues of our times and whose scholars over the centuries have concluded that there is no one way.

A bar/bat mitzvah can include a big party and still be a thoughtful Jewish exercise, because both are equally a part of what it means to be Jewish and 13.

Stacey Palevsky lives in San Francisco. She can be reached at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).