ANN ARBOR, Mich. — In interfaith families, both partners may be experiencing warm, fuzzy feelings during this month, but for different reasons. While I am thrilled about the beginning of the football season, my wife, Bonnie, is reliving memories of family High Holy Day celebrations.
As with any religious holiday, observance can bring stress to the interfaith home. The fact that I, a non-Jew, have no previous emotions attached to her holidays only compounds the problem.
At my in-laws’ synagogue, not only was it a holiday that was foreign to me, but also there was a lot of Hebrew spoken in the service. I didn’t know what was going on. The fact that I had to sit there for three hours did not help my restlessness. Most Protestant services are only one hour long and in English. I felt lost, even though Bonnie did her best to explain what was happening and what some of the Hebrew meant. I also felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb.
After synagogue that first year, we went back to Bonnie’s parents’ house, where Bonnie helped me learn more about her holiday. She explained the meaning of the Torah portion read that day. We dipped apples in honey “for a sweet New Year.” Even though my wife had all her friends and family around, I was really happy that she spent extra time with me that day.
Eight days after Rosh Hashanah is Yom Kippur. To a Christian, this can feel like a double whammy — first the Jewish New Year, and then the Day of Atonement. Yom Kippur is a serious and somber holiday. Protestants don’t have anything like this. Catholics have confession, but not a whole day devoted to atoning, praying, and fasting.
We had talked about the holiday in advance so that there would be no surprises. I did not fast, but felt it was important for me to respect my wife’s situation. While Bonnie did not expect me to fast along with her, she was still unaccustomed to being around someone who was eating.
At first, I didn’t think my wife could fast all day. Bonnie loves food, so I didn’t know how seriously she would take the fasting. In fact, I was sure she wouldn’t make it. But I learned a lot that day. I developed a newfound respect for her and her religious convictions. Not only did she make it but also she never complained.
I went to services with Bonnie twice that day. Being at the synagogue was not my idea of fun. Where I enjoyed myself was watching and admiring my wife during this most holy day for her. I was not about to complain. This was my wife’s day, and I would see her through it. To my great surprise, she slipped me a Power Bar during the service and told me to go take a break outside. I was floored. I was speechless.
About the only thing I could do was give her a peck on the cheek and head for the door. When I came back 10 minutes later, she had a big smile on her face. I think it was caused by a combination of giving me pleasure and knowing that it would soon be time to break the fast. Yom Kippur can feel like a long holiday, but the reward is a big spread of food at the end.
The best thing we learned was that it was important to be respectful of each other’s feelings on that day. Giving each other the support to make it through strengthened our relationship that much more.
In short, when it comes to the High Holy Days, Jewish partners can help by remembering that their Christian partners may feel insecure, or that they don’t fit in, whether at synagogue or at family gatherings.
It takes time to build memories together. Gradually, thanks to Bonnie’s help, I’ve found myself feeling more and more comfortable with her holidays. I have learned the rituals of the different services. I have made friends at the synagogue. I have even learned some Hebrew. I now look forward to Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. I actually get a warm, fuzzy feeling over these holidays. After nine years of marriage, it’s getting to be that September can’t roll around without me breaking out my football, fall clothes, and shofar.