Rachel Biale, MSW, is a Berkeley-based parenting consultant who has been working with parents of very young children for more than 25 years. Send questions through her Facebook page: Parenting Counseling by Rachel Biale or via [email protected].
Even though three weeks have passed, I know many of us are still deeply affected by the murder of children and teachers at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut. Sadly, we have to realize that this is not the last time we will face this kind of horror. In addition, many children will be reacting to it for weeks to come, so I want to offer guidelines on how to talk to children about such events, whenever they occur.
Younger than 10:
• Don’t! If at all possible, shield your young child! I believe that a big part of parenting is protecting your children from this kind of information. When a horror or disaster strikes, don’t listen to the radio or watch TV if your kids are home. Get your updates electronically, and delay conversations until kids are asleep.
• If your child hears the news, do your best to reassure him, first and foremost, of his safety at home and school.
• Expect old “stuff” to come up for several weeks — frightening and sad experiences, or old anxieties your child may have overcome. Watch for behavioral signs, such as sleep problems, appetite changes, lethargy, social withdrawal or fear of going to school. All of these require talking to your child, offering reassurances, being patient, and possibly modifying your routine, such as walking your child into her classroom instead of dropping her at the curb.
Age 10 to middle school:
Your child is very likely to hear the news, one way or another. Consider bringing it up yourself so you can shape the information. Key issues:
• Why? Your child will ask why it happened; e.g., why the gunman in the Sandy Hook shooting acted. You have to present what you understand and believe. Though no expert on this phenomenon, I agree with Dave Cullen (author of “Columbine”) that the underlying causes are suicidal depression and rage. I would say: “The man had the worst kind of depression, such a serious illness that his thinking and emotions didn’t work at all like a normal person’s.” Emphasize how different this is from common sadness and anger. That said, do tell your child that depression affects kids, as well. Stress the importance of talking — to you or to any trusted adult — if your child ever worries about himself or a friend.
• Fears: Your child is likely to be afraid. Tell her: “People get afraid about all kinds of things when something terrible like this happens.” If she seems really shaken up, offer to help in a concrete way (e.g., sleep in her room for a night or two).
• School safety: Assure your child that her school has its own security arrangements. Follow up with the school to get specific information.
• Helplessness: All of us, kids and adults, feel terrible that there is nothing we can do to make this better for the victims. Encourage writing a letter to the children and teachers at the school and the parents who lost their children. Let your child know that her heartfelt words are important.
• Talk about guns: This is a controversial issue, but even if you are against stricter gun control, you must address it. Here is a link to my column about young kids and guns: http://bit.ly/biale-guns. With kids older than 10, emphasize the lethal danger of guns and their glorification in our culture.
High school age:
Assume that your child has access to all the information you have. All the suggestions above apply, but critical additional points are:
• Understanding the complexity of depression and building/strengthening channels of communication whenever your child or one of his friends struggle with it.
• Discussing guns, our gun-intoxicated culture, and the politics of gun control.
• Feelings of helplessness, for which you can suggest participation in a school program that addresses bullying and violence, or in political action.
While you help your child, be sure to find ways to address your own feelings. You can follow some of the suggestions above, write to the affected families, pray for them, and participate in vigils and political action. All of these are likely to help you, too. And, if you can, find a place in your heart or prayers for the surviving family of the gunman. Their lives, too, have been shattered.