Jewish Folkloric History- The Wife Joke

The Wife Joke is perhaps the greatest sub-genre in Jewish Humor, putting the family, adultery, self-deprecation, and an overabundance of wit, into a cocktail as digestible as slivovitz. Self-depracating wit, sexual naivete, and kvetching are integral parts of Jewish comic identity.

Sigmund Freud was particularly fond of wife jokes, saying they, "have something forbidden to say." Freud was not alone. Elements of the Wise men of Chelm, namely the literal overuse of logic, also appear in the traditional Jewish wife joke. It is rumored amongst liars that Sholom Alechem, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob were some of he greatest wife joke authors of all time. 

Being able to crack a wife joke is a key to healthy life outside of marriage, but it is also a dying art. Political correctness and observational humor have almost entirely wiped out the genre of the twisting one liner. The borscht belt comedy scene is long gone, and now we're all too often subjected to edgy, over the top humor, or droll, observational humor where there often is no twist of logic or joke at all. 

I am only twenty-one years old, and a fledgling stand -up comedian. If I'd had a wife or two by this point, I would already have written enough jokes to make it big. I'm hoping to bring the wife joke back, as much as I can. For your benefit, I've provided you with the best wife jokes i could muster, from the best sources possible: Henny Youngman, Rodney Dangerfield, and The Big Book of Jewish Humor.

From the Novak & Waldok's Big Book of Jewish Humor:

Gittleman returned home from a business trip to discover that his wife had been unfaithful during his absence.

“Who was it?” he roared. “That bastard Freedman?”

“No, replied his wife.” It wasn’t Freedman.”

“Was it Lowenthal, that creep?”

“No- it wasn’t him.”

“I know, it must have been that idiot, Fishman.”

“No, it wasn’t fisherman either.”

Gittleman was furious. “Whatsa matter?” he cried. “None of my friends good enough for you?”

A sexy young woman walks in to a dinner party on the arm of a crusty old man. At the dinner, the lady sitting to the woman’s right turns to her and says, “My, that’s a beautiful diamond you’re wearing. IN fact I think it’s the most beautiful diamond I’ve ever seen!”

“Thank you,” the young woman replies. “This is the Plotnick diamond.”

“The Plotnick diamond. Is there a story to it?”

"Oh yes. This diamond comes with a curse.”

“A curse?” asks the lady, “What’s the curse?”

“Plotnick” comes the whispered reply.

Chaim: When I come home I throw things around the house, I put cigar ashes on the floor.

Shlomo: Why, what’s that idea?

Henny Youngman:

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake. 

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. 

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

 My wife divorced me forreligious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn’t have any.

Rodney Dangerfield:

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Thanks, and remember, be kind to your spouse.

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