Thursday, February 13, 2014 | return to: columns, jokes



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Shul shenanigans

Two brothers, identical twins, joined a shul and decided to take out only one membership, and that each would go on alternate weeks and nobody would notice the difference.

On the High Holy Days, entry was by ticket only, and supplies were limited. So on Rosh Hashanah, the brother without a ticket rushed up to the synagogue, only to have his way barred.

“Where are you going?” the shamash demanded.

“I am just going in to see my brother.”

“You got a ticket?”

“No, I haven’t got a ticket.”

“No ticket, no going in.”

“Listen, I just want to see my brother so I can get his signature on an important document.”

“No ticket, no going in.”

“It’s very important. This is a big deal which will make us a lot of money and we will be able to give a big donation to the shul.”

“Where’s your brother?”

“Just over there.”

“All right, you can go in. But remember, no praying!”


Technology question

Howard Gottlieb called his rabbi and said, “I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but the Red Sox have a winner-take-all Game 7 in the playoffs. Rabbi, I’m a lifelong fan. I’ve just gotta watch that game on TV tonight!”

The rabbi responds, “Howard, that’s what DVRs are for.”

Gottlieb is surprised. “You mean I can tape Kol Nidre?”


Widower’s plan

Now that they have retired, Rivka and Shmuel are discussing all aspects of their future. “What would you do if I die before you?” asks Shmuel.

After some thought, Rivka replies, “I’ll probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women. They might even be a little younger than me since I’m still quite active for my age.”

Rivka then asks Shmuel, “And what would you do if I die first?”

“Probably the same.”

© david minkoff


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