Top 10 signs your kosher butcher may be traif
10. “100 percent kosher beef” stamp suddenly changed to “73.5 percent kosher beef.”
9. Big sale sign outside reads: “Glatt kosher prosciutto.”
8. Not only guarantees a cut of beef is glatt kosher, but assures you it is also parve (neither meat nor dairy) and pas yisrael (baked under Orthodox supervision).
7. Swears he checks each individual cow for both fins and scales.
6. He’s selling “glatt kosher” cheeses.
5. When you ask to see the kosher symbol, he points to the circle R.
4. Quietly mumbles the word “style” to himself after telling you something is “kosher.”
3. He thought “kosher” was just Hebrew for “wrapping it in a lot of tin foil.”
2. Store is named “Goldberg’s Finest Hallal Meats.”
1. Thought the two sets of knives thing was for decorative purposes.
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Real words, new definitions
Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Genius, n. An average student with a Jewish mother.
Psychiatrist, n. A Jewish doctor who hates the sight of blood.
That’s my bubbe
My Jewish grandmother practically invented multi-tasking: She could worry about six things at once.
Tomb of the unknown soldier
A tourist was invited to visit the tomb of the unknown soldier in Israel — officially called the Garden of the Missing Soldiers.
When he got there, he was shocked. He couldn’t believe his eyes. There, in big letters was inscribed, “Here lies Hyman Goldfarb, Furrier.”
The tourist inquired of his guide, “How can this be the tomb of the unknown soldier with a name upon it?”
“As a soldier,” the tour guide told him, “he was unknown, but as a furrier, he was famous.”
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