Dr. Sharon Ufberg and her three children offer advice about family, love and life. Send your questions to [email protected].
I got married last year and am pregnant with my first child. When I got married, I didn’t change my name. I had already started my career with my maiden name — I had published a few (prestigious!) research papers under it, and had really never planned to change it anyway. My husband was upset but said he understood. Now that we’re expecting, though, he’s pressuring me to change my name so we’re a “unified family.” I always expected our kids would just take his last name and I’d have a different one, an arrangement I’ve seen plenty of people make. That’s not enough for my husband, though. What should I do? H.G., San Francisco
Alexis: First of all, congrats on your upcoming motherhood! Now, having kept my own last name, I have an intimate understanding of your conflict. Here’s the bottom line: Your husband should respect your decision to keep your name and not cop to a patriarchal custom. Whether you’ve decided to keep your name for “rational” reasons because you launched your career with it, are bucking the patriarchy, or simply want to keep your name because it’s your identity, your husband should honor that decision. It’s lovely that he wants a unified family, and that it’s important for him to feel like you’re all part of a unit. There are plenty of ways to express that unity beyond your last name, however, so my suggestion is that you focus on those.
Saul: I don’t think it’s necessary for you to change your last name for your family to be unified. If you started a career with your maiden name, I imagine it would be hard to change it now, and your husband should understand that. If my future wife wants to keep her last name, I’m 100 percent fine with that, because in my opinion the name change doesn’t really change anything.
Jessica: OK, let’s be honest, what kind of last name are we working with here? In all seriousness, there are a few options for compromise. Would you be open to hyphenating your last name? Or making it your middle name, but using your maiden name for work purposes? My feeling is that you and your husband should determine who this decision matters most to and then take it from there. Get clear about what you want, and why, and ask your husband to do the same.
Sharon: I am surprised this name-changing topic continues to be an issue for couples, but I do hear about it all the time. I completely agree with your initial decision to keep your name and create family unity in other ways if that is what feels authentic to you.
By the time I had my career chosen and was getting married, my identity was locked firmly with my original last name, and there was no way I could have conceived of changing or hyphenating it. I don’t believe my kids feel any less connected to me because I retained the name I was given at birth, nor did they feel less like a family unit because of it. In fact, it gave them a bond to a second family lineage (my side of the family) that they may have never identified with as closely had I chosen to change my name.
Dr. Sharon Ufberg is a Napa-based radio host, journalist, consultant and integrative health practitioner. Her daughters live in San Francisco: Lawyer-turned-writer Alexis Sclamberg, 28 and married; and hair colorist Jessica Sclamberg, 26 and single. Saul Sclamberg, 24 and single, studies chiropractic in Los Angeles. Read more at http://r-2-cents.com.