As time passed, the pain lingered, but instead of seeking help, Koffman continued mourning.
Suddenly, the telephone rang. It was a mysterious call from a stranger who wanted to be a friend. She had heard about Koffman’s personal tragedy and offered to introduce her to a friendly circle of seniors who had also lost their spouses.
“They made a human being out of me again,” said Koffman, 86, who lives in San Francisco. “I didn’t feel whole and I felt part of me left with my husband but with people’s time and help, I was healed.”
For 25 years, the Jewish Family and Children’s Services pioneer Widow/Widower Outreach Program has helped mend the hearts of more than 500 seniors who have lost their husbands and wives. Today the program assists bereaved people age 20 and up, providing services ranging from grief groups to social activities to sessions on handling finances.
“It’s pretty clear that Judaism supports the grief process,” said Lee L. Pollak, the program’s coordinator. “The rituals of sitting shiva, reciting the mourner’s Kaddish, tearing one’s garment and unveiling reflect the clinical stages of grief.”
But beyond the rituals, and often beyond the period of mourning, the bereaved say they benefit from having the opportunity to talk about their losses and share strategies for moving on.
“From a Jewish perspective, rituals help us to face our loss, to help us both grieve and to understand the meaning of our own lives,” said Rabbi Eric Weiss of Ruach Ami: Bay Area Jewish Healing Center. “With the challenge of losing a loved one or lifemate, we need to both grieve the life that we had and look forward to our life in our future.”
The program initially started off small, but since widow outreach programs of this kind were rare, it expanded rapidly.
“From day one, we had a personal outreach component in which widowed seniors who had already completed the program made contact with newly widowed persons,” Pollak said.
Toni Kipnis, also a San Francisco resident, joined the group in 1993, shortly after her husband died. She heard about the program from a Jewish Family and Children’s Services social worker.
“As I stayed in the program,” she said, “I learned that what I at first thought were crazy reactions were actually steps in the grieving process which I had to go through.”
Today, Kipnis serves as a volunteer aide in the program. “The outreach group is an ongoing group that’s there for as long as you need them,” she said.
The outreach program offers a specialized eight-week workshop covering such topics as changing family dynamics, learning to live as a single and gaining victory over grief and depression. The workshop is designed to provide an intense exploration of grief-related issues for seniors who were married for a long time.
Beyond volunteer outreach, the program provides professional grief counseling and support, bimonthly meetings and even a walking group.
After 25 successful years, Pollak anticipates further expansion.
“We want to be able to reach more people in more ways than we have in the past,” she said.