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Thursday, August 9, 2012 | return to: columns, jokes


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Jokes

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Are you what you eat?

Dr. Martin Schwartzberg was addressing a large audience of mostly seniors at a JCC in the Tampa area.

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago,” he said. “Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and high-fat diets can be disastrous.

“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all — and we all have eaten it, or will eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a small, 75-year-old Jewish man sitting in the front row raised his hand and said, “Vedding cake?”

 

The milky way

Old Rabbi Levy is dying. And because he is so loved by his colleagues, many rabbis have gathered around his hospital bedside trying to make his last moments as rewarding as possible.

While the visiting rabbis are praying, one of the nurses comes into the room and offers the rabbi a glass of warm milk to drink. But with what little strength he has left, Rabbi Levy refuses it.

Seeing this, Rabbi Jacobs has an idea. He remembers that he has a bottle of whiskey, which he was planning to use for his next Kiddush, in the trunk of his car. So while his colleagues are watching Rabbi Levy’s labored breaths, Rabbi Jacobs picks up the glass of warm milk on the sly and creeps out. At his car, he opens the bottle of whiskey and pours a generous portion of it into the milk. He then goes back to Rabbi Levy’s bedside and holds the glass to the dying man’s lips.

“Go on Rabbi Levy,” says Rabbi Jacobs, “please drink some of this milk. It will make you feel a bit better. Really it will.”

So Rabbi Levy takes a small sip, stares at the glass, drinks a bit more, then smiles — and then finishes every drop of it. Now he’s really smiling and perky.

The other rabbis are humbled when they see Rabbi Levy apparently making some kind of recovery. “Rabbi Levy,” they say, “please share some of your wisdom with us before you die.”

At this, Rabbi Levy raises himself up in the bed and with a pious look on his face points out the window and says, “Don’t sell that cow!”


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