I love hosting dinner parties and often invite friends over to eat with my family. My husband and I usually serve wine, leaving a bottle or two on the table for everyone to enjoy. On Friday nights, we often say the blessing over the wine to welcome Shabbat. Recently though, friends of ours who don’t have kids have been joining us for dinner and enjoying our wine too much. They get loud and are visibly intoxicated. The rest of the adults have children present and couldn’t get that rowdy even if they wanted to. I think their behavior is inappropriate at dinner with young children and I’m not sure how to approach the situation. I love them both and don’t want to alienate them from my dinner table, but I just can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to deprive the more responsible adults of a nice glass of wine with dinner and don’t want to resort to grape juice for the Kiddush either. What do you think we should do? D.F. Hayward
Alexis: Your friends should be considerate enough to know that when invited to your house, they should expect to pass a finger-to-nose test. They clearly are setting a bad example for your children and making you uncomfortable. It is best for you to be direct and honest. Tell your friends that you love them dearly but you’re noticing that their merry enjoyment of your dinner wine is crossing the line. You’re interested in a different kind of fun these days and your friends should understand that. Remember to use “I” statements when approaching these friends; this is a touchy subject and they’re likely to get defensive.
Jessica: This is a tricky situation. I’m imagining you serving these friends non-alcoholic beer in tall chilled glasses. Who knows if they’ll be able to tell the difference … I’m kidding. Getting bombed at dinner at a friends’ home with children isn’t ever appropriate. Because this is clearly a recurring issue, you have no choice but to be totally honest. If your friends love and cherish your time together, I believe they will be respectful. It’s a “your house, your rules” kind of deal.
Saul: Easy answer: Find a babysitter, get invited over to their house for dinner and drink some of their wine! The real problem-solver for your dinner party situation is to be honest with your friends, as my sisters suggest. If they are close friends, they will surely understand your reasoning and quite possibly even be embarrassed by their behavior. Kid-less friends can’t be expected to know exactly how much you have changed since becoming a parent, so don’t be too judgmental. They are most likely still behaving the same way they always have at a dinner party and have not noticed that life on your end has significantly shifted.
Sharon: This is a good example of two worlds colliding. Every night can be party night for couples without kids, but not so for the parents sitting around your dinner table. It sounds like you may want to plan an adult-only dinner party occasionally for you and your kid-less friends who are still living a little rowdier lifestyle. Perhaps it would be a nice change for all of you to let down your hair and have some adult fun. As for family Shabbat dinners, I spent years pouring one bottle of wine around the table for the Kiddush ceremony. No guest ever asked for more and we all got to enjoy the wine with the festive meal. Leaving several bottles on the table only encourages those with heavier drinking habits to indulge.
Dr. Sharon Ufberg is a Napa-based radio host, journalist, consultant and integrative health practitioner. Her daughters live in San Francisco: Lawyer-turned-writer Alexis Sclamberg, 28 and married; and hair colorist Jessica Sclamberg, 26 and single. Saul Sclamberg, 24 and single, studies chiropractic in Los Angeles. Read more at http://r-2-cents.com.
Dr. Sharon Ufberg and her three children offer advice about family, love and life. Send your questions to [email protected].