A visit to the vet
Paul is worried about his dog, Patrick, and takes him to see Dr. Simon, the local vet.
“My dog has a problem, doctor,” says Paul.
“OK, so tell me already about your dog and his problem,” says Dr. Simon.
“Well, doctor,” replies Paul, “despite his name, Patrick is a Jewish dog. And not only that, Patrick can talk.”
“You’re joking, surely?” asks Dr. Simon.
“No I’m not,” replies Paul. “Just watch this.”
Paul then looks Patrick in the eye and says, “Patrick, fetch.”
Immediately, Patrick starts to walk toward the door. But then he stops, turns around, looks at Paul and says, “Why, oh why, do you continue to talk to me like that, Paul? You’re always ordering me around like I’m a nothing, a gornisht. You only seem to talk to me when you want something. How degraded I feel. And that’s not all. You always force me to sleep on the cold, tiled floor at night — and me with my arthritis! And you persist in giving me unhealthy fahkahkta food that contains a lot of salt and fat. Do you really think I’m going to fall for your claim that it’s a special diet? It tastes like dreck! You should try eating it yourself. And do you and Natalie ever take me for a decent walk around the park? No you don’t. It’s always just out of the house, a short pish, and then right back home again. Oy vey! If I could only stretch out a little, maybe my sciatica wouldn’t hurt me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real, for all you care about me.”
Dr. Simon is absolutely gobsmacked. “This is absolutely incredible. I’ve never heard of such a talking dog. But why have you brought him here? What medical problem does Patrick have?”
“He has a very bad hearing problem, doctor,” replies Paul, “I said ‘Fetch,’ not ‘Kvetch.’ ”
© david minkoff
The mother-in-law
In a small 19th-century Russian shtetl, two families negotiate with a prominent yeshiva to provide two students as husbands for their daughters. The two young men set out for the town. On the way, their wagon is attacked by Cossacks, and one of the men is killed.
When the survivor finally arrives in the town, a fight breaks out between the mothers of the two unmarried girls: Each claims that the young man is the intended groom for her daughter.
When the man himself can shed no light on the matter, the case is brought before the local rabbi.
“Cut the boy in half,” the rabbi finally rules, “and let each girl be given half of his body.”
“Oh, no!” the first mother says. “Don’t kill him. My daughter will give up her claim.”
“Go ahead and cut,” the other mother says.
The rabbi stands up and points to the second woman. “That is the mother-in-law.”