School of hard lox, Jewish primer, A great mystery ...

School of hard lox

Walking down Fifth Avenue on Friday afternoon, Bert steps into an upscale gourmet food shop. An impressive salesman in a sharp coat and tie approaches him and politely asks, “May I help you, sir?”

“Yes,” Bert replies. “I’d like to buy a pound of lox.”

“No, no,” responds the dignified salesman. “You mean smoked salmon.”

“OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then.”

“Anything else?”

“Yes, a dozen blintzes.”

“No, no. You mean crepes.”

“OK, a dozen crepes.”

“Anything else?”

“Yes. A pound of chopped liver.”

“No. No. You mean paté.”

“OK,” Bert says. “A pound of paté then. And can you to deliver all of this to my house tomorrow?”

“What?!” retorts the indignant salesperson. “We don’t deliver on Shabbat!”

Jewish primer

A few things you should know about being Jewish:

Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

No meal is complete without leftovers.

According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may only be eaten in Chinese restaurants.

One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

Never take a front row seat at a bris.

Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

Other people leave and never say goodbye. Jews say goodbye and never leave.

Always whisper the names of diseases.

If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.

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A great mystery

One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter is now the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

One for the ages

Joseph and Abe take a walk in the neighborhood of their assisted-living center and decide to talk a rest on a park bench. Joseph turns to his friend and says: “Abe, I’m 82 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. You’re 83, right? So how do you feel?”

Abe says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”

“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”

“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”