Power struggle
The president of Iran was wondering which country to invade when his telephone rang.
“This is Mendel in Tel Aviv. We’re officially declaring war on you.”
“How big is your army?” the Iranian president asked.
“Well, there’s me, my cousin Moishe and our pinochle team.”
“I have a million in my army,” said the president.
“I’ll call back,” Mendel said.
The next day, he called. “The war’s still on! We have now a bulldozer and Goldblatt’s tractor.”
“I have 16,000 tanks,” the Iranian president retorted, “and my army is now 2 million.”
“Oy, gevalt,” said Mendel. “I’ll call back.”
He phoned the next day. “We’re calling off the war.”
“Why?” asked the president.
“Well,” said Mendel, “we’ve all had a little chat, and there’s just no way we can feed 2 million prisoners.”
Bumper snicker
My parents gave me so much Jewish guilt when I was a kid. They had a bumper sticker on their car that read: “If my son worked just a little harder, I, too, would have an honor roll student at Lincoln High School.”