Parenting by ‘The Book’ is not without pitfalls

As a Jewish mother, I’m always looking for wisdom about parenting. There are a lot of great secular resources, but I wanted something with a Jewish take on parenting.

My search led me to the mother of all how-to manuals: the Bible. Surely, I thought, the Book can’t be beat as a source of insight and advice for Jewish parents. Some of the most famous parents of all time have marquee roles in the Torah. Their triumphs and mistakes are chronicled in unblinking detail, as if they were stars in an ancient reality TV series.

Marinell James

When you look to the Bible for guidance, be prepared to learn by negative example. Here are just a few highlights:

Sibling rivalry. Do the parents in Torah assure their children that they love them all equally? Heavens no. From Genesis onward, biblical parents consistently overlook the ordinary rivalry — or lethal animosity — between their children. Adam and Eve, for example, were too busy gardening in Eden to notice that Cain hated Abel’s guts.

And then there are the cases where mom or dad even fanned the flames of fraternal feuding! Rebecca played favorites with Esau and Jacob (manipulating the course of Jewish history in the process). Then Jacob (like mother, like son) gave bratty Joseph preferential treatment over the rest of his kids. If there’s any lesson to learn here, it seems to be: don’t let sparring siblings go off together into the fields.

Attachment parenting. Do Torah parents worry about “bonding?” Hardly. In the story of Abraham and Isaac, the issue is binding. That famous father-son field trip up Mt. Moriah is enough to give any modern parent the heebie-jeebies.

But Abraham’s not the only parent with questionable judgment. His nephew, Lot, offers his own daughters to the sex-crazed Sodomites in an attempt to protect his houseguests. King Saul throws a spear at his son, Jonathan, for being friends with David. And King David himself is a disaster as a dad. Just look at how Amnon and Absalom turned out.

Supervision. Did the kids in Torah go to science, art, sports or dance camp? Was their free time carefully monitored? Nope. Jacob let poor Dinah wander off alone and guess what — she was molested by a stranger. In fact, Jacob may be the poster-dad for negligent parenting. I mean, didn’t he have at least one moment of doubt about sending his precious Joseph off with a pack of resentful, seething older brothers? Apparently not. But maybe we should give Jacob a break — his own brother wanted to kill him.

With all these parental faux pas, you may wonder if there’s any positive parenting advice in the Bible. I’m happy to report there is. You have to dig for it, and you’re better off looking beyond the Five Books of Moses. Here are a few tidbits from Writings (Ketuvim) and the Prophets (Nevi’im) to kick off your own search:

Education. Solomon writes in Proverbs: “Train a child according to his way.” That’s pretty progressive advice from a guy who lived a few thousand years ago. It seems like the wise old king is saying our kids will learn best from us if we’re sensitive to their unique temperaments and needs.

Discipline. In Psalms, it says: “God, in your anger do not rebuke me.” Now that’s a valuable directive for parents. When we have to scold or correct our kids, we should try not to “lose it.” If we take a deep breath and keep our cool, we’ll be more effective (it’s a nice goal to try for, anyway).

Love. Hannah named her son Samuel, because she “asked him of the Lord.” It’s a sentiment that resonates with anyone who has ever prayed for a baby. When the stresses of parenting (and modern life in general) get us down, it helps to remember that our children are gifts — from God to us, and from us to the world.

Marinell James is a local Jewish author. She blogs at http://www.yourjewishlifecoach.com.