The perfectly scripted calligraphy on the envelope may be the first clue.
And the matching printed stationery divided by tissue paper inside will confirm it: You’re invited to a wedding.
Whether it’s your granddaughter tying the knot or your husband’s ex-wife’s nephew, being a good wedding guest isn’t a role to be taken lightly.
How guests behave — both before and during a wedding — can have a significant impact on the bride and groom’s nuptial experience.
So let’s get back to that invitation.
First, pay attention to whom it is addressed.
Brides typically word the invitation in a manner that clearly states who is invited, said Michelle Londrigan, wedding coordinator at the Hilton Springfield (Ill.). For example, if you are welcome to bring a guest, the envelope will say “and guest.”
Children should accompany parents only if the invitation states “and family” or specifically includes the children’s names, she said.
“And don’t call the bride and groom and ask [if you can add to the guest list],” she said. “Because they always say yes, even if they don’t want to.”
Londrigan recommends guests promptly let the couple know who will be attending. The reply-by date is not a mail-by date, she said.
“What stresses brides out and what worries them is the RSVP. People don’t RSVP,” she said. “When replies aren’t coming back, they start to panic.”
Many reception venues require that the bride and groom guarantee an exact number of attendees for dinner, usually about three days before the big day. Whether it’s a sit-down dinner or a buffet reception, the couple must pay for that guaranteed number of guests, Londrigan said.
Guests who have committed to the wedding date and later learn they cannot attend should call the bride as soon as possible, she said, even if it’s past the RSVP deadline.
A few weeks before the wedding, take a peek in your closet. Deciding what to wear to a wedding can be a tough call, but there are a few rules of thumb guests can use to guide their decision, said Miranda Scott, designer and consultant for Parties Unlimited, an event coordinating company in Springfield. Wedding guest attire varies depending on the season, the formality of the event or the location, she said.
But generally, if no dress preference is indicated on the invitation, women should consider a sun dress or something comparable for an afternoon wedding or a cocktail dress for an evening affair. Strapless dresses almost always are acceptable, Scott said, but some synagogues may frown on bare shoulders, so bringing along a wrap or shawl couldn’t hurt.
Men should wear a dress shirt and slacks, and add a tie and jacket if the affair lasts into late afternoon or evening. Jeans, sandals or shorts, unless such attire is mentioned on the invitation, are never acceptable, she said.
Black has become a mainstay color for any type of wedding, and white — once a major no-no — is becoming more acceptable for guests to wear, especially as more brides select gowns with colors incorporated.
“For a long time, brides didn’t want any guest to wear white, especially females,” Scott said. “But that’s changed. It’s now OK for guests to wear white, as long as they add some color to it.”
Both Scott and Londrigan suggest guests also consider the personality of the couple and the wedding’s theme, if any, when selecting proper attire.
The next decision guests typically face is what to give the couple. To make the selection process fairly simple, many couples set up gift registries at two or three stores.
Guests can either send the gift beforehand, which Londrigan says is becoming more popular, or take a gift or card to the reception. Etiquette allows for up to a year to send a gift. Deciding how much is appropriate to spend on the couple, however, might not be so easy, Scott said.
Factors to consider are “how long you have known the couple, how close are you to them and are you related or not,” she said. “If you are a friend and not really close to the couple, $25 is a nice amount to spend.” But keep in mind the formality of the event, and how much money the hosts are spending for you to attend, which may influence your decision, Scott added.
On the day of the wedding, the best thing guests can do is be on time, even 20 minutes early to allow time to sign the guest book and find a seat. Arriving any later could congest the processional.
As for the party — making it fun is a guest’s biggest role, Londrigan said.
“Visit with everybody, and mingle. … That’s really important to the bride and groom as well. They want everyone to meet each other and hit it off and really have a fun evening.”