Jokes

The role of a lifetime

Marty, a young out-of-work Jewish actor, hadn't had a gig in months when he stumbled upon this ad: "Actor needed to play ape."

"I can do that," thought Marty. To his surprise, the employer turned out to be the zoo. Apparently the zoo had spent all its money on renovations and had nothing left to pay for an ape. Marty, the most qualified applicant, snagged the job.

At first he was self-conscious, but after a few days, he began to enjoy the attention and put on a real show. He would hang upside down, swing from vines, climb trees and eat his weight in bananas. Pretty soon, he drew a sizable crowd.

One day, when Marty was swinging on the vines, his hand slipped and he flew over the fence into the lion's den.

Terrified, he covered his eyes and recited the Sh'ma.

The lion opened his powerful jaws and, in perfect Hebrew, responded to the prayer.

"Shut up, you shmegegges," shouted a panda, "you'll get us all fired!"




Last supper

Guido, Jean-Paul, and Levi are asked what they would like for their last meals before they're executed.

Guido asks for a pepperoni pizza, which he is served. He is then promptly put to death.

Jean-Paul asks for a filet mignon, which he is served. He, too, is then put to death.

Levy requests a plate of organic gooseberries.

"Organic gooseberries?"

"Yes," replies Levi, "Gooseberries. Organic."

"But they are out of season."

"So, I'll wait ..."