Jokes

Dying wishes

Hetty is dying and her rabbi comes to visit. "Do you have any last wishes, Hetty?" asks Rabbi Gold.

"Yes rabbi," she whispers. "I know you won't like hearing me say this, but I want to be cremated."

"You know that is forbidden to us," he says, "but because it's one of your final wishes — then OK. Is there anything else?"

"Yes," whispers Hetty. "I want my ashes spread over the Bloomingdales in Palo Alto."

"Why on earth would you want to do that?" he asks.

"Because that way," replies Hetty, "my two daughters will find it easy to visit me each week."




The afterlife

Allen and Rebecca make a vow that whoever dies first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their fear is that there is no afterlife, even though the Kabbalah talks about the transmigration of souls.

Many, many years later, Allen dies and, true to his word, he makes contact.

"Rebecca .... Rebecca," he says, "can you hear me?"

"Is that you, Allen?" asks Rebecca.

"Yes, Becky," he replies, "I've come back, just as we agreed."

"So what's it like, Allen?" she asks.

"Well Becky, it's like this," replies Allen. "Every morning, I get up and have sex. I have breakfast and then off to the golf course where I have sex. I sunbathe and then have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex all afternoon. After dinner, it's the golf course again, then I have sex until late. It likes this every day."

"Oh, Allen," says Rebecca, "you really must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, Becky," says Allen, "I'm a rabbit on the Olympic Club golf course."




Change of course

Max, a student at Brandeis University, calls his mother. "Hi Mom," he says. "I thought you should know that I've just switched courses and I'm now taking psychology."

"Oy vey," she says, "I suppose you'll now be analyzing everyone in the family."

"Oh no, Mom," he replies. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next term."




Critical comment

Benny, age 5, comes home from Hebrew school one day and says to his parents, "I learned something interesting at school today."

"That's nice, Benny," says his father. "What did you learn today?"

Benny thinks for a moment, then replies, "Daddy, have all the men in our family had their members criticized?"

His mother laughs. "Oh Benny, darling, the word is circumcised, not criticized, but either way the answer is still 'Yes.'"




Restaurant talk

Maurice and Sadie are out eating at the Bubbe-Meysa restaurant. While Maurice is eating his grilled steak and fries, the waiter comes over to him and asks, "Is everything OK, sir?"

"Well," replies Maurice, "I asked for my steak to be rare, and it was well done."

"Thank you sir," says the waiter, "we always aim to please."