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Sex change

Abe goes to see Dr. Myers and says, "I want to become a woman."

"You must be joking," says the doctor.

"No I'm not," says Abe, "I'm serious about it. Are you willing to perform the necessary operations on me?"

"No, definitely not," Meyers replies.

"So who will do it?" asks Abe.

"Well, I shouldn't tell you this," the doctor replies, "but I know the name of a doctor in France who can do it."

Six months later, Abe returns to Myers and says, "I'm so glad you gave me the name of Dr. Jean-Pierre. I've had it done and I feel terrific. My new name is Sadie and I now function in every way like a woman, emotionally as well as physically."

"But ... Sadie," asks Myers, "don't you have any emotions or desires left over from your previous life as a man?"

"Well now that you ask," replies Sadie, "some mornings I do have this great urge to lay tefillin."




LSD trouble

Maury rushes into Dr. Finklestein's office.

"Doctor, you have to help my wife!"

"Maury, what's wrong your darling Esther?"

"She's can't get of bed from too much LSD?"

"LSD? Oy gevalt, where did she get that hippie drug?"

Maury laughs. "Hippie drug? No doctor, she's had too much lox, salami and Danish."




Synagogue steak

Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
A: Filet minyan.

The handyman

Jonathan Schwartz isn't the brightest bulb in the box, but he has to make a living. Doesn't everybody? So he decides to try his hand at being a handyman.

First thing in the morning, Jonathan begins canvassing a neighborhood in Beverly Hills and starts by ringing the bell of the first house on the first road he comes to. This happens to be the home of Allen and Leah. When Allen opens the door, Jonathan asks if he has any jobs for him to do. "Well, my porch needs painting. How much will you charge me?"

Jonathan thinks for a while, then replies, "$40."

"OK," says Allen, "you're hired. You'll find the paint, paintbrushes, primers, scrapers and other such tools in my garage. It's not locked."

When Jonathan goes into the garage, Leah says to Allen, "Do you think that nice boy realizes that we have a very large porch?"

"That's up to him to find out," replies Allen, "let's leave him to it."

Thirty minutes later, Jonathan knocks on the door to collect his money.

"You're finished already?" asks Allen.

"Yes, and as I had paint left over, I gave it an extra coat."

Impressed, Allen reaches into his pocket for his wallet. But before he could pull it out, Jonathan says, "And by the way, it's not a Porch, It's a Ferrari."




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