The b’nai mitzvah of a child is one of Judaism’s most important lifecycle ceremonies. But what happens when the child’s parents are divorced or in the throes of getting one?
Bay Area rabbis have solid strategies for a successful simcha — even under difficult circumstances. All agree on what is paramount: Put the child first and remember that the emotions of this day may affect the child’s future relationship with Judaism.
Rabbi Chai Levy of Congregation Kol Shofar in Tiburon brings her own personal history to bear. “My parents divorced when I was very young,” she says. “I remember very strongly their coming together for my bat mitzvah. They really teamed up and it was the first time I remember sharing a positive experience with both of them.
“My parents were being good to each other for my sake.”
Levy shares her own experience with the divorced parents she counsels. “I’ve not been able to achieve a total reconciliation,” she acknowledges, “but there have been no disasters either.”
Divorce is not something that can be shoved in the corner.
“It’s important to acknowledge that divorce exists in Jewish families,” says Rabbi Karen Citrin of Peninsula Temple Beth El in San Mateo.
Rabbi Aaron Schonbrun of Congregation Beth David in Saratoga agrees. “The family of the 21st century is very different and we must be sensitive to the dynamics of divorce.”
While there are no exact figures, divorce is a factor for approximately 1 in 10 American Jewish families whose children are having b’nai mitzvah, estimates Walnut Creek Congregation B’nai Tikvah’s Rabbi Raphael Asher.
The Reform rabbi noted that it helps if the spiritual advisor has been able to counsel a couple as they go through a divorce.
“We can’t get involved in the financial settlement but we can influence the religious settlement,” Asher says. He tries to help a couple focus on their children’s future so there is already some agreement as to shared lifecycle events, including bar- or bat mitzvahs and weddings.
“It’s hard to do any healing when people are on edge,” he says. “But after the ceremony there is a palpable sense of relief.”
Many rabbis offer counseling after the event (as well as before) to see how the process felt for those involved.
One way to help avoid problems is to work out in advance the details of the ceremony: Will both biological parents place the tallit on the child’s shoulders? Would they like to do an alliyah together or separately? What will happen when the Torah is handed down? (Asher, for example, involves parents and stepparents so that the chain of tradition is unbroken.)
Citrin agrees that a well-thought-out plan reduces the likelihood of unpleasant or awkward moments.
“We urge the parents to take time to think about the ritual and plan the ceremony carefully so that there are no surprises,” she notes. This could take extra effort on the part of the rabbi, particularly when one parent has primary custody and the noncustodial parent does not get involved until late in the planning process.
“We work to make sure everyone is on the same page,” Citrin says.
At the same time, it is important to recognize that each family situation is different and there are no universal solutions. “We must be sensitive and not overarching in our approach,” says Schonbrun.
He offers some general principles:
• Help parents remember that the focus is on the child, but still acknowledge their pain.
• Talk openly and honestly with the parents and the child — even if it’s difficult try to create the most positive experience possible.
• Remind parents that the b’nai mitzvah is a time for celebration for the whole family and they should be proud to share a healthy and positive occasion as their child becomes a full participant in Jewish life.
• Don’t ignore the difficulties and meet with parents individually if necessary.
There is little disagreement that the emphasis must be on the child.
Party planner Joannie Liss of San Francisco Events has found that oftentimes a divorce is fairly recent in the family.
Liss talks to the child alone to see what he or she really wants.
“In one instance, parents decided to have a ‘kids only’ party to avoid the problems of his and her relatives,” she recalls. However, the child wanted his family to be present.
“He wanted to dance the hora, to be lifted up in a chair and to have a candlelighting — and that’s not something that can be done at a kids-only event,” she says. The story has a happy ending: Once the parents understood their child’s wishes, they worked together to make them happen for him.
Most rabbis and party planners will do whatever it takes to create a positive experience for the child. And with proper counseling, most parents will work together even under the most difficult conditions.
The secret, says Levy, is “set aside the strife for the simcha.”