Happy Father’s Day — now get to work, dads

Several years ago my wife, Linda, and I were attending a conference of psychotherapists and sitting next to a recently divorced female therapist who said to us, "Next time I'm going to marry a Jewish husband."

My wife asked, "Oh, are you Jewish?"

The recently divorced female therapist replied, "No, but I've always heard that Jewish men make the best husbands and the most involved dads for their children."

This wasn't the first time we'd heard someone insist that Jewish men were the "chosen" husbands. But my wife and I weren't sure if she was correct or somewhat misinformed. Should we tell her about certain Jewish men (including some of our extended family members) who are quite frustrating for their wives and frequently unavailable for their kids? Or should we let her go on believing the stereotype is true?

As a Jewish psychologist who has been counseling couples for over 23 years, I wanted to find out the truth about "The Myth of the Menschy Jewish Husband." So for the past few years I have been collecting data about this widespread belief regarding Jewish men. I've surveyed several hundred couples in my counseling office and several thousand more at workshops nationwide. I've interviewed a large number of individuals and couples at men's club events, sisterhood events, federation gatherings, and temples nationwide where I've been invited to be a guest speaker or instructor. I've also talked to friends and colleagues to get their experiences as well.

Based on this sampling of over 2,700 Jewish men from 22 different red and blue states, here's what I found:

n Some good news: Almost 34 percent of Jewish husbands and fathers seem to qualify as a definite mensch — a great husband and father. Somehow these individuals are able to work hard at their jobs and still find time and energy to be very involved in household chores, child care, shared spousal teamwork and family activities. On Father's Day 2005, these multi-tasking and compassionate men deserve something a lot nicer than another tie from the department store. They deserve our heartfelt thanks because their kids are growing up with great role models and their wives know the joy of having a true teammate in life.

n Some sad news: Almost 29 percent of Jewish husbands and fathers have a serious problem because they are emotionally unavailable to their loved ones. Despite the stereotype that says Jewish men are great catches, in fact there are a sizeable number of Jewish husbands and fathers (some with high incomes and some with moderate or low incomes) who don't seem able or willing to be a good listener or a helpful partner at home for their wives. Nor do they tend to pitch in very much regarding child care or family activities. In some cases, the problem is due to frequent business travel, after which his wife and kids say, "When he's finally at home, he's either cranky and short-tempered or he's obsessed with golf or video games or watching his favorite shows on television while tuning out the rest of us." Or he's described as, "A bit self-absorbed and even though he does some good volunteer events for the community, he's always got an excuse as to why he won't do his fair share regarding the kids or the chores. It's almost as if the kids are being raised by a single mom."

n Some mixed news: Approximately 37 percent of Jewish husbands and fathers fluctuate between sometimes being a caring family member and at other times being too stressed or unavailable because of other priorities. This is the group that fascinates me most as a psychologist. I discovered that over one-third of Jewish marriages have occasional tension because there is a husband/dad who deeply desires to have a peaceful and involved family life, but he's often pulled away by stressful work demands, sporting events, volunteer commitments or hobbies that eat up most of his free time. These are men who do want to get an "A" at being a great husband and father, but most of them didn't grow up with very good modeling from their own dads or from their colleagues at work. So they are right on the edge between being appreciated sometimes by their wife and kids and being resented at other times for how they fail to follow through on their family commitments.

There are some possible remedies: If you are a Jewish husband and dad (or if you know one) who needs a minor tune-up or a major overhaul, there are specific things that can improve the situation. The first place to start is early in the week when you carve out sacred family time (making sure nothing will disturb a beautiful Friday night family dinner, planning some enjoyable connecting family activities on the weekend, finding time for some great one-on-one conversations during the week, and volunteering to share the load of weekly tasks with your spouse rather than waiting for her to plead or get fed up).

In order to do this, it helps to carry a "Kavanah (strong intention) Note Card" in your wallet that you pull out and re-read just before entering your home each night. The note card that you write in your own words should say something like, "The precious souls I am about to listen to during the next few minutes and hours are more important than any customer, boss or colleague I've spoken to all day. They deserve my most compassionate and helpful self, not my crankiness or my criticism. Don't take this for granted, because the emotional and financial costs of doing a mediocre job at my family life will be enormous."

I'm sorry to have to be the one to inform you that we Jewish men still have some inner work to do in order to be the kind of husband and dad that the people we love are hoping we will be. But possibly this Father's Day 5765 will inspire each of us to make improvements and learn what they don't teach any of us in high school, college, or even graduate school — how to be the kind of involved and deeply caring husband and dad that your kids and spouse long for and truly deserve.




Leonard Felder a licensed psychologist and the author of 10 books, including his newest "Wake Up Or Break Up: The 8 Crucial Steps to Strengthening Your Relationship."