Jokes

Marriage malaise

A Jewish father, Shmendrick, was beset by his eldest son, Yitzak.

"Father, I am going to marry!"

His father began to dance with joy and sing. "Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl? What is her name?"

"O'Brien" replies the son. "She's Catholic."

"Oy!" says the father. "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy," says the son.

"OK ... as long as you're happy. My blessings to you both," replies Shmendrick.

But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Nudnik.

Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, "Father, I too will be married soon!"

Again, Shmendrick breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises. "What is her name," implores the father?

"Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox."

"Oy," says Shmendrick. "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy, father."

"OK ... then you, too, have my blessing," intones Shmendrick.

Dejected, Shmendrick goes to the synagogue to pray. "Please God, let my remaining son Nudnik marry a nice Jewish girl to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes. Please!"

Nudnik comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father! I am to wed in the spring!"

"Her name? What is her name?" his father immediately demands.

"Goldberg!" says Nudnik.

Shmendrick is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the prophets!" Turning to Nudnik, he asks, "Is she Dr. Goldberg's daughter Shelley from Los Angeles?"

"No," says Nudnik.

"Hmmm," says Shmendrick. "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Hollywood?"

"Ah, no, father" says Nudnick.

"Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful son?"

"Whoopi." says Nudnik.




The beloved rabbi's last words

The beloved rabbi was on his deathbed, and life was slowly ebbing away. Around the bed was a group of sorrowing disciples who felt the coming loss keenly and who talked in whispers of the manifold virtues of the old man now leaving them.

One said, "So pious, so pious! Which of the many commandments of the law did he fail to keep? Where at any point did he deviate in the slightest from the commandments of God?"

And another mourned, "And so learned! The vast commentaries of the rabbis of the past were, so to speak, imprinted on his brain. At any moment, he could call to mind some saying which would illuminate any possible theological question."

Still a third said, "And so charitable, so generous! Where was the poor man whom he did not help? Who in town is ignorant of his kindness? Why he kept for himself only enough to hold body and soul together."

But as this litany of praise continued, a faint tremor appeared on the rabbi's face. It became obvious that he was trying to say something. All the disciples leaned forward, with pent breath, to hear those last words.

Faintly, from the rabbinical lips, there came the words:

"Piety, learning, charity! And of my great modesty you say nothing?"




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