Jokes

The army

Jack was coming out of shul one day, and the rabbi was standing at the door as he always did to shake hands.

The rabbi grabbed Jack by the hand, pulled him aside and said, "You need to join the army of HaShem."

Jack replied, "I'm already in the army of HaShem, rabbi."

The rabbi questioned, "Then why is it I almost never see you except at High Holy Days?"

Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."




The visit to Mars

Two astronauts make the first manned flight to Mars. Upon landing, they find themselves face-to-face with a couple of green Martians.

"How do we make contact?" asks the first astronaut.

"They look pretty primitive. Let's impress them with some of our technology."

"OK," says the first.

He reaches into the pocket of his spacesuit and pulls out a shiny cigarette lighter. The Martians look interested.

"I think it's working — light it!" says the second.

The first astronaut turns the wheel and a flame shoots out.

Immediately the faces of the Martians turn from green to red.

"Wow!" says the first, "they must really be impressed."

Then one of the Martians reaches out his little green hand, points a finger at the men, frowns and says very sternly, "Not on Shabbat!"




The saucer

Roberto is an art connoisseur and one day notices a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer in front of a delicatessen in Tel Aviv.

He quickly realizes with a shock that the saucer was a rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into the store and offered $2 for the cat.

"It's not for sale," said Abe, the proprietor.

"Look," said Roberto, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to $10."

"It's a deal," said Abe, and pocketed the money.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said Roberto. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said Abe firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week, I've sold 34 cats."




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