Jokes

The morning mail

A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "Shmendrick."

At the next Friday night service, the rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and forgot to write a letter."




Mendel the Tailor

Mendel the tailor was worried about his business. He was down to his last $50 and was torn between buying a sign and getting food for his family. Mendel decided to pray. 

"Dear God," he said, "I don't know what to do. If I buy a sign it may bring in business, but I need to buy groceries for my family ... and if the sign doesn't bring in sales, we will starve.

God replied, "Mendel, buy the sign. Don't worry, your family won't starve."

So, Mendel bought the sign and business took off. After a time, the tailor decided to move to a larger site that would accommodate the growing demands of his business. As he surveyed certain locations, he found a perfect storefront, but the rental price was really steep.

"God," Mendel again prayed, "I found the perfect place to relocate my business. But the cost of the lease worries me. I don't want to get in over my head."

"Go ahead and a get a lease on the store, Mendel," said God. "Trust me, you'll be OK. I haven't steered you wrong yet, have I?"

So Mendel signed a lease on the Fifth Avenue store and profits from his business went through the roof. Out of heartfelt gratitude, Mendel proposed to the Almighty that he dedicate the store to Him.

"How do you like the name "Yaweh and Mendel," the tailor asked.

"Nah," God said. "Let's go with 'Lord and Taylor.'"




A night out

Izzy decides to go out for the evening. He is nearly 90 years of age but he still thinks of himself as one of God's gifts to the ladies.

He gets himself ready in the usual manner and then looks at himself in the mirror.

What does he see? He sees a handsome, mature, smartly dressed gentleman in a great-looking modern suit, a carnation in his lapel, well groomed hair and sparkling eyes.

Izzy is pleased with what he sees. He finishes by spraying on his favorite Eau Savage cologne and then makes his way to singles night at the JCC.

Seated in the JCC is Esther, in her mid-80s. Izzy walks over, sits besides her, and gets a drink.

When it arrives, he takes a sip, turns to Esther and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"




High stakes betting

Shlomo walks into Harry's Kosher Butcher shop, goes over to Harry and says, "So, Harry, I hear you're something of a betting man."

"Yes," replies Harry. "Well," says Shlomo, "You're a tall man, so I bet you $50 that you can't reach those pieces of meat hanging on those hooks up on that wall."

"I'm not taking your bet," says Harry.

"Why not? I thought you were a betting man," says Shlomo.

"I am," says Harry, "but the steaks are too high!"




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