Jokes

The Jewish parrot

Moskowitz had bought a parrot and one morning found the bird with a small prayer shawl over its head, rocking to and fro, mumbling. Bending low to listen, Moskowitz was thunderstruck to discover the parrot was intoning prayers in the finest Hebrew.

"You're Jewish?" asked Moskowitz.

"Not only Jewish," said the parrot, "but Orthodox. So will you take me to the synagogue on Rosh Hashanah?"

Moskowitz said, "Of course, I'll take you, but can I tell my friends about you? It isn't a secret, I hope?"

"No secret at all. Tell anyone you want to." And the parrot returned to his praying.

Moskowitz went to all his friends, full of the story of his Jewish parrot. Of course no one believed him, and in no time at all Moskowitz was taking bets. By Rosh Hashanah, he had $1,000 riding on the parrot.

Grinning, Moskowitz brought the parrot to the synagogue in its cage. He put him in a prominent place and everyone turned to watch even as they mumbled their prayers. 

Moskowitz waited. Everyone waited. And the parrot did nothing. 

After the services, Moskowitz's friends, with much mockery, collected their money.

Utterly humiliated, Moskowitz returned home, turned on the parrot and said, "Prepare to die."

Whereupon the parrot's voice rang out clearly: "Hold it. In 10 days it's Yom Kippur, when all Jews will sing Kol Nidre. Well, bet everyone that I can sing the Kol Nidre."

"Why? You didn't do anything today."

"Exactly! So for Yom Kippur, just think of the odds you'll get!"




Ridiculous recording

In a large Florida city, the rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons, so much so that everyone who was Jewish in the community came to hear him every Shabbat.

Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's bar mitzvah. But he didn't want to miss the rabbi's sermon. So he decided to hire a non-Jew to sit in the shul and tape the sermon.

Other congregants saw what was going on, and they too decided to hire non-Jews to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to synagogue. Within a few weeks there were 500 non-Jews sitting in synagogue taping the rabbi.

The rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbat he, too, hired a non-Jew, who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 non-Jews in the congregation, who dutifully recorded his words on their machines.

Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of artificial insermonation.




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