Aging women get ‘attitude’ in Marin JFCS group

There's some finger-pointing going on in a San Rafael seniors' group, but it's not what you might think. It's the originator, facilitator and participants in "Aging with Attitude" busily giving each other credit for the group's success.

The participants, in their 70s, 80s and 90s, could find plenty of reason to complain. All of them have experienced the deep physical and emotional losses of growing older. But these "Energizer bunnies" also share the ability to adjust and look ahead, and the good fortune to have a venue for spirited discussion and reflection.

Lorraine Harris, 53, the volunteer coordinator for Marin Jewish Family and Children's Services, was the sparkplug behind "Aging with Attitude."

"I was matching social volunteers with isolated seniors for weekly visits. The seniors were still interesting, and still had attitude. They were intelligent, with-it and have kept up with what's going on. But they didn't have an outlet and I wished we could get them together," Harris said.

"When we moved into our new building [on Fifth Avenue in San Rafael], we had space," Harris said.

So she organized "Aging with Attitude, an eight-week discussion group for older adults, and she engaged Jeanette Kadesh, a licensed clinical social worker, to lead the group.

"Jeanette is a fabulous facilitator. She makes it feel so safe and so supportive, so they can say — or not say — what they want to, with no pressure," Harris said.

Group member Sylvia Korn, 88, agrees.

"We're very fortunate to have Jeanette leading the group. She brings out the best in everyone," Korn said. "People are hesitant at first, because what you talk about can be very confidential at times, and Jeanette really brings it out. Then people become close enough to each other that they speak out without prompting. We share and want to help each other adjust to being alone, lost spouses, aches, pains and illnesses,"

Facilitator Kadesh, 60, said that the group explores — in a Jewish context — the "triumphs and tragedies of growing older.

"The members are spunky, struggling with physical disabilities and illness but not preoccupied. We look for new possibilities of purpose, fulfillment beyond a career, wisdom in aging, the process of exploring friendship and mutuality, [and] what is it that still makes us grow?" Kadesh said.

"These women have led caring, generous, interesting lives. This is a place to share it, to embrace the life they've lived, to discuss how they will continue living and make meaning of it. [The group] gives a language to what keeps us going. It's a place to share other than with family. Peers are very important," Kadesh added.

Korn, a widow for 10 years who lives independently in a senior complex in San Rafael, has always been active in the Jewish community. She finds it "interesting and helpful to see how other people cope."

"The hardest parts of getting older are accepting the changes in the body — I can't exercise on the machines at the JCC like I used to — and that you can't bring back the ones you've lost. But you pick up the pieces and you go on. The good memories help you cope and adjust.

"I look forward to going to the group," Korn added. "The people are very intelligent. I know what it means to be with other people and to share each other's experiences. You can accomplish much more."

Group member Rose Essrig, 86, moved to Marin with her husband 2-1/2 years ago to be near their son. Her husband had had a stroke, and he doesn't get out much to socialize, she said. Essrig was a volunteer telephone companion for JFCS when she heard about "Aging with Attitude." She thought it could be "another way to meet people in the community."

A retired psychotherapist, Essrig had been a group facilitator at a Los Angeles senior center. Joining "Aging with Attitude" and being encouraged to open up about her own personal issues was a new and different experience.

She said to herself, "I haven't had the opportunity to share the circumstances I've been involved in. Let's see, I must have some issues I can discuss."

Now Essrig said she feels right at home in the group and has "made a personal friend."

Ida Geary, 91, said that all her life she has participated in groups and activities that reflected her social, political and professional interests, her hobbies, her "connection to the tribe" and even her medical needs. Seven years ago, she founded a glaucoma group that is "still going strong."

When "Aging with Attitude" came along, the timing was right. Geary welcomed a place to discuss the "body changes, life changes, ability changes" she was experiencing.

Divorced 40 years ago, Geary had moved into a "little house in Mill Valley" thinking, "This will be fine until I marry again."

Instead, in her 50s, she enrolled as a freshman at San Francisco State and majored in English because she was interested in literature. When she graduated and "had to make a livelihood," she became a teacher, a writer and then an artist so that she could illustrate her work.

"I thought I might be one of those old ladies with an umbrella who goes around hitting people over the head, but I learned that there's life after 50," Geary said. And she still lives in the "little house in Mill Valley," at least for now.

"I don't know how long I can stay independent. My life is entirely different from in my 70s and 80s. I spend more time resting, more time at home, and I don't go out at night," Geary said.

Geary appreciates the realistic issues the "Aging with Attitude" participants confront.

"We all talk about getting old. There's a willingness to talk about death, staying clean, relations with family, what you can and can't expect from your children. Nobody's talked about clothes or food. It ain't for sissies," she said.

Geary, echoing Korn, said that the members reach out to each other.

"There's a widow who's still depressed, and we're all joined in helping her feel better. It doesn't matter who you are or what your experience is, everybody comes to the commonality of aging."

Facilitator Kadesh said that all seven members of this group happen to be women, but she hopes to see some men join future groups. Standing in line for a flu shot recently, she chatted with a man in his 80s.

"He was so vibrant and funny. It would be great to have male energy in the group," she said.

Harris, Korn, Essrig and Geary sing Kadesh's praises. But Kadesh insists that she's the lucky one.

"It takes an enormous amount of courage to age, with the tremendous losses we experience, and to open yourself up to new intimacies. Imagine just turning 80 and asking, 'Am I willing to take the risk of bonding?' These are astute people who have thought about their losses and made peace with the sadness and trauma," Kadesh said.

"They are a blessing to me, and role models." n

"Aging with Attitude" meets twice monthly for eight weeks at Marin Jewish Family and Children's Services, 600 Fifth Ave., San Rafael. Suggested fee is $54, but no one is turned away. Information about future groups: Lorraine Harris, (415) 419-3635.

In addition, JFCS is starting a "Successful Aging" series in San Francisco, facilitated by Lee Morgan. Information: http://www.jfcs.org/Services/Seniors/Spotlight/SpotlightOn-AgingWorkshop.asp, or contact Cristina Velasco at (415) 449-1204 or .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).