jokes

Paired-off parrots

A lady approaches her rabbi and tells him, "Rabbi, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the rabbi inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're eager to please. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the rabbi exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read Hebrew. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the rabbi's house. His two male parrots are wearing tiny yarmulkes and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're eager to please. Want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put away the siddurs! Our prayers have been answered!"

A rich old woman's tale

In 2099, at a synagogue on Mars, a young man named Moishe Shlobowitz asks an old rich woman named Britney Weisman how she made her money.

Britney fingers the shmata she is wearing over her spacesuit and says, "Well, son, it was 1999. The height of the dot-com boom. But all I had was a nickel.

"So I invested that nickel in a pre-IPO startup. And at the end of the day, the company went public, and I made 10 cents when I sold the stock.

"The next morning, I invested those 10 cents in two sizzling hot startups that were going to change the future in every conceivable way. I spent the entire day watching the NASDAQ and sold the stocks for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated the sum of $150 dollars. ...

"Then my husband's Uncle Dan died and left us $2 million."

School trouble

A young Jewish boy has been having trouble with school. In fact, he has just been kicked out of three private Jewish schools in a row. There being no more Jewish schools in town, his parents decide to send him to Catholic school.

A month later, to his parent's surprise, he is still in school and hasn't gotten in any trouble.

In another month, his midterm grades come home — and he has aced every class!

His parents ask him, "What's so great about this Catholic school? How come you got thrown out of three good Jewish schools only to do well in this Christian one?"

"Well," the boy answers, "These Catholics scare me. In the whole history of the school, they've only admitted one other Jew."

"What of it?" His dad asks.

"H-he's nailed to the wall in the cafeteria."