jokes

The prayer

A Jewish man goes for a walk in downtown Tokyo. Suddenly, Godzilla appears and approaches him at quite a fast pace. The Jewish guy stands there petrified and begins praying for his safety. But then the guy notices that Godzilla has stopped, has put on a kippah, and has also began praying. Saved!

But as the Jewish guy approaches Godzilla with an outstretched hand to greet a fellow Jew, he hears Godzilla conclude his prayer with, "Hamotze lechem min haaretz. Amen"

Hirsch's funeral

Why should I go to Hirsch's funeral! He definitely will not go to mine."

The screams

Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking.

Alberto the Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we made wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."

Marcel the Frenchman says, "I smoothed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."

Maurice Cohen says, "I covered my wife's body with shmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours.

The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?"

Maurice shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

Psychoanalysis

Ben was talking to his analyst, "I grew up to have my father's looks, my father's speech patterns, my fathers posture, my father's opinions and my mother's contempt for my father."

The rabbi's trademark

A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for the men's room.

It's crowded but he finds a vacant urinal to gain relief after the long flight and after having many drinks.

The man at the urinal next to his says, "You're Jewish?"

"Yes."

"You come from Malibu?"

"Yes."

"Your parents went to Temple Beth Shabbat Torah?"

"Yes," he says. "But I don't think I know you. How do you know so much about me?"

The man next to him replies, "Rabbi Minski of Temple Beth Shabbat Torah is the only rabbi I know that performs circumcisions by cutting at an angle...

"And you're peeing on my shoe!"

The hospital visitor

Moishe Shlabowitz was in hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into the room. She said she was there to cheer up the sick. They started talking and she soon asked about his life.

Moishe talks about his wife, Freda and his 11 children.

"Well, well" the nun says, "Eleven children, a good and proper Catholic family. I'm sure that God is very, very proud of you."

"I'm sorry," says Moishe, "I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish."

"Jewish!" she screams, "You're a sex maniac."