Ed note: These ads were supposedly pulled from Jewish personals sections.
Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81.
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let’s try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658.
Orthodox woman with get (divorce document) seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours. POB 72.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B’Av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B’Teves, Shiva Asar B’Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the “fast” lane. POB 763
Yeshiva bocher, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.
Worried about in-law meddling? I’m an orphan! Write. POB 74.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 1032.
Female graduate student, studying Kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56.
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzit, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, Havdallah candles, yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 2372.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 6783.
80-year-old bubbe, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can’t I? POB 562.
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 389.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 997.
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 77.