JERUSALEM — About a year ago, Shirley Schoffman received a request from her granddaughter Rafi, a fifth-grader at a Jerusalem elementary school.
Rafi, then 10, asked her grandmother to participate in her school’s pilot program, called A Living Connection, which was designed to bridge the gap between the generations.
Although Shirley, a former resident of Brooklyn who now lives in Israel, felt she already had a good relationship with her grandchildren, she nevertheless agreed to Rafi’s request to co-write a cookbook of family recipes.
“It was a way for us to spend more time together,” explains the 80-year-old grandmother, noting that her grandchildren’s schedules often do not allow for midweek family visits.
“They’re busy with school and after-school activities. The time Rafi and I spent together every week became one of these activities. It was our special time together,” Schoffman says.
“I got to know my grandmother better,” chimes in Rafi, now 11. “It was fun to be with my grandmother, to listen to her tell stories, hearing about her life when she was young.”
The fact that both the junior and senior Schoffmans feel they benefited from the program is gratifying to Rachel Kleinberger, the program developer and coordinator of A Living Connection. The program proved so successful at Rafi’s school that this year it was expanded to include three Jerusalem schools.
Intended to be a gradual process, the program takes place in stages.
The first phase, which involves just the children, takes place in the classroom. During weekly sessions with their teacher (using the teaching manual Ezrat Avot created for the course), the students examine society’s — as well as their own — attitudes toward the elderly. They review films, art, Jewish texts, literature and the media to see how older people are portrayed.
“A lot of times, in school and elsewhere, old people are portrayed as wise, with lots of experience, with lots of patience,” notes Kleinberger. “The fact is, not all old people are like that.”
At other times, she says, the elderly come across as feeble, grumpy and simple-minded.
Both stereotypes are dangerous, Kleinberger stresses.
“If you portray all grandparents as kind, who bake cookies, for example, it creates a cognitive dissonance for those children who don’t have this type of relationship. They feel left out, abnormal, and it estranges even further.”
Through the discussions, which are scheduled into their school day, the children learn that “some older people are nice while others are impatient. They’re just like any other segment of the population. That’s the first step,” Kleinberger says.
The second step is even more ambitious.
Around midyear, every child is asked to select a “senior partner,” whether a grandparent, other elderly relative or friend, with whom they will produce a project.
Last year, a child and his grandparent created a clay model of their family home in Yemen. Another pair made an environmentally friendly mobile from recycled bottles. Still another decided to volunteer together at the Jerusalem Zoo.
Often, Kleinberger says, this is the first time the children have developed a deep relationship with an older person, and vice versa. “They become real to each other, with all the strengths and pitfalls of any other relationship.”
The final, most ambitious part of the program takes place between the children and seniors they do not know. Having already examined their own attitudes toward the elderly, and after spending time with their grandparents or family friends, the students then meet with strangers who live in their community.
When the program begins, Kleinberger explains, “most children display very negative attitudes toward the elderly, other than senior family members.” As they progress through the program, “they start to view aging as natural and to see an older person for who he is, based on his or her individual personality.”
Forging ties with unfamiliar seniors “is the final test,” she says.
This year’s crop of seniors has been culled from community centers, old-age homes and protected-living complexes located near the participating schools. Within weeks they will participate in activities that both the older and younger generations deem mutually interesting.
Although many young Israelis already visit old-age homes and senior citizen centers, the visits are generally short and relatively superficial. More often than not, the kids perform for the residents on a holiday or Shabbat, and there is no further contact.
“There’s no process there. The kids try to make the old people happy,” Kleinberger notes. “It’s not a mutual process and there’s no continuum.”
Kleinberger is the first to admit that many of the seniors, especially those with no previous ties to the students, have been wary of an ongoing program, fearing perhaps that it will entail more energy than they can give.
To ease the way, the Ezrat Avot team works with counselors at the homes or centers, who in turn prepare the elders to accept the children. The grandparents also attend meetings at their grandkids’ schools, to learn about the program’s goals.
“We try to explain to them that the younger generation has something to give you, that your lives will be richer for the experience. We want them to learn that they and the students will be making decisions together.”
Shirley Schoffman says the experience exceeded her expectations.
“It was Rafi’s idea to do a dual-language cookbook,” she recalls. “I selected recipes I had gotten from members of my family, my mother, my sisters, my sisters-in-law, friend. On each recipe I indicated from whom I’d gotten it. We categorized the recipes into sections, and at the end of each section I found photographs of these people. I told Rafi, ‘This is Bubbe Schwartz, this is Aunt Bella, and so forth.'”
Thanks to the project, Shirley says, “Rafi was able to put a name to a face. It was something very, very personal. Rafi learned about her family and was exposed to the recipes too.”
It was, she says, “a very worthwhile experience for both of us.”
So worthwhile, in fact, that Rafi and her classmates decided to continue the program this year, though in a different format.
“Right now, the children and seniors are deciding what to do,” Kleinberg says. “Part of the group will team up with grandparents for a cooking club. They’re considering inviting older people to their history class, to hear them describe their experiences. There are a lot of ideas floating around.”