Examples of a big, tough bully causing problems for a small, weak victim spring up in images and stories generation after generation. It’s an experience felt in many facets of life, especially during childhood.
Hoping to help youth victims and bullies — as well as their parents and teachers — deal with behavioral problems, Rabbi Laura Novak Winer recently organized a symposium titled “The Youth Culture of Cruelty” at Peninsula Temple Beth El in San Mateo. Winer is director of youth and informal education of the Union of American Hebrew Congregations’ Pacific Central West region.
“All people are teased, and we as Jews try to respond in ethical and moral ways in how we live our lives,” Winer said to an audience of about 30 adults and young people. “We need to intertwine greatness and compassion. They must come together for us to take responsibility for our actions.”
Other speakers included Robert Wells, director of ethics and pediatric research at Valley Children’s Hospital in Fresno and Jen Wakefield, a religious educator at Congregation Beth Am in Los Altos Hills and an employee in the crime prevention division of the Palo Alto Police Department.
Friendly teasing can turn into cruel teasing and become threatening, Wells said, adding that bullies and victims have a lot in common, sharing underlying insecurities and pain.
“Bullies want to show others they’re powerful. It is hard for the victims not to react. Victims are more anxious, have poor self-esteem and limited social skills. Their failure to manage their emotional reaction pegs them as good targets,” said Wells, also an associate clinical professor at UCSF’s pediatric and psychiatry departments.
Parents usually suggest ignoring the teaser, minimizing the problem and talking to authorities, or they simply do nothing. “Instead,” Wells said, “they should listen carefully and empathize with their children, instruct the children about the goal of teasing, invent role-playing strategies and teach coping skills for defeating teasers.”
Wells said children can learn how to be more assertive, stick with friends, avoid looking upset or having physical contact, maintain eye contact and write down things the teaser says.
Pointing out the Jewish response, Winer cited two texts in the Talmud. Megillah 31A states: “Wherever you find the strength of the Holy One, praised be God, you find God’s humility.”
After discussions, the group decided the text meant that bullies may be strong but not compassionate or humble. Victims can be humble and compassionate but not strong enough to defend themselves.
Another text, Kiddushin 42B, states: “There is no agent for wrongdoing.”
Participants interpreted the text to mean that if a young child is bullied, it is not the child’s fault for not taking action. Older children or adults must take responsibility for their own actions and not place blame on others.
Offering suggestions for children who are victimized, Wells said: “We must teach students to be assertive. They need tools in their pockets and must practice them.”
When asked how to help bullies change their behavior, Wells suggested learning not to react to them but to treat them with respect. He said some schools have set up peer courts on bullying, hearing cases and deciding upon appropriate punishment.