It’s been just over a year since the Reform movement’s Central Conference of American Rabbis officially resolved that “the relationship of a Jewish, same-gender couple is worthy of affirmation through appropriate Jewish ritual.” And already Rabbi Nancy Wiener has seized the opportunity to write a book helping gay and lesbian couples get ready for the big day.
But “Beyond Breaking the Glass, A Spiritual Guide to Your Jewish Wedding,” is not just for same-gender couples. It covers everything from remarriage after divorce to interfaith marriage. The author offers traditional and not-so-traditional options for any pair preparing to tie the knot.
Wiener’s book does everything from explaining the history behind certain traditions to offering alternatives for blessings and vows — all with a touch of humor. Her experience as the spiritual leader of the Pound Ridge Jewish Community in New York enables her to share others’ experiences, which helps foster an understanding of the prenuptial difficulties that many people go through.
While Wiener does not choose to disclose her own wedding story in the book, she makes no secret of the fact that her “spouse” is also female.
The author makes it one of her first tasks to define the term kiddushin, the sanctity of marriage. “The root of the word means to take someone or something that others might see as ordinary and to separate it out, to distinguish it, to elevate it for a holy purpose,” she writes. Beyond that, she explains, “Your kiddushin is so much more than a legal transaction; it is a spiritual and personal transformation.”
The book addresses preparation of the wedding, the reception and even the emotional ups and downs that can occur around an event of such magnitude. Wiener advises couples to set aside time for themselves before the kiddushim, in order to “gain clarity about your relationship.” In addition, she gives tips on how to get closer to future in-laws, writing, “Be aware that asking someone to participate is a unique way of expressing your love and respect for them.” She also recommends including any children from previous marriages in the ceremony of a second marriage.
Wiener views t’nai-im, a legal document listing the conditions of the marriage, as an opportunity to spell out how each person wants the relationship to grow and evolve. In this way, it becomes more than just a legal document but one that is useful for emotional purposes as well.
The guide also assists with how to make detailed decisions specific to the ceremony — such as how to pick a time, a place and clergy to lead the service.
Futhermore, any vow that is usually said by only a man or only a woman is translated into Hebrew and English for both genders so that both partners can actively participate in each aspect of the ceremony. Many possible options to blessings are given: Some speak of God and some speak of the others bearing witness.
Food, music and festivities to get the party rolling are all discussed. Some people may choose to keep kosher during the meal, and some may want food from a certain region. Music and dancing will vary couple to couple, but all should be discussed in detail with caterers and any DJ or band that is being used, the writer advises.
Perhaps most helpful is her checklist in the appendix; it sets a timeline of things to do — going back as far as one year. Included are flowers, rings, invitations and even planning the honeymoon.
This, obviously, is not an everyday wedding planner book. Also, Wiener picks up where many others leave off. She goes above and beyond, helping couples planning a same-gender or interfaith marriage to find clergy who will assist them and individuals who will write their ketubot.
And though she focuses on Jewish tradition and ritual, Wiener is not didactic. For example, when she brings up the Seven Blessings (Sheva B’rachot) concerning fasting and veiling, it is with the sense that final decisions are up to the two people involved. Their opinions matter most, according to Wiener, not their families.
While the photographs in the book are not of the greatest quality and sometimes don’t seem to relate to the text, the format of the book is straightforward and the content is easy to read. The emphasis is clearly on but not restricted to Reform Judaism.
The rabbi’s sensitivity to conflicts that can emerge around any wedding makes her book a wonderful companion through the planning process. But most of all, this book allows any couple to feel comfortable arranging the ceremony and reception, no matter how traditional or unconventional.