If you haven’t been dating lately: The rules have changed

CHICAGO -- Dating Scenario 1: You met a Ben Stiller look-alike at a friend's party. He's cute, funny and intelligent. You think he could be your leading man until he asks you out for Tuesday night bowling instead of Saturday night dinner and movie. You think he just wants to be your buddy. What you don't know is that he liked you so much he didn't want to wait until Saturday to see you.

Dating Scenario 2: You're an environmental lawyer working 80 hours a week. You're about to join the 'dateless in despair' until an activist whose screen name is eco-Babe responds to your online personal. Four weeks later, when the online romance moves offline, she confesses she's really just a secretary for a politician.

If these misadventures sound familiar, chances are you're out of touch with the latest "rules" on how to play today's dating game. Then again, your date may be a "Rules Girl," while you're a new-millennium kind of guy, taking your cues from "Kosher Sex." The latter is a book by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, who has debated "The Rules" authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.

And don't forget that TV addicts may be getting their dating tips from such popular shows as "Sex and the City" and "Ally McBeal."

Playing by two different sets of rules -- whatever they may be -- can generate some serious confusion and mixed signals. Things can get so mixed up that it seems as if you're stuck inside the "Twilight Zone" of love, where one date is more bizarre than the last.

In desperation to find someone "normal," maybe you've tried positive imaging. Unfortunately, when you think about your love life, all you see is a big jigsaw puzzle with a piece perpetually missing.

Whether you're searching for romance in cyberspace or at a SpeedDating event, the rules can be complicated and downright frustrating. Following are a few that real singles have used to navigate this brave new world of dating:

Rule No. 1: Asking a woman out for a Saturday night date is a big deal.

If you ask some women out for a Monday or even a Thursday evening, beware. You could have the phone receiver slammed in your ear. "A woman takes it very seriously when she is not asked out on a Saturday night," said Dawn Sidney, who met her husband at a Chicago Jewish federation event. "She has a different attitude. She thinks the guy doesn't think she's special."

Rule No. 2: Fools shouldn't rush in.

To Shawna Gooze, a human resources assistant, it doesn't matter what day of the week a guy wants to see her. What happens after the date is more important. "I went out with a very good-looking, nice guy I met at a bar, but he started e-mailing me so much after the first date, it was a turn-off," she said. "In the beginning, it's better not to rush a relationship or come on too strong."

Rule No. 3: When you move an online romance offline, go public.

When trying to find a date in cyberspace, a set of unwritten rules applies, and some online daters simply make the rules up as they go along, according to Leslie Zimmer, who works for a Chicago-area synagogue and has tried several Jewish online dating services.

Zimmer, whose online dating odyssey has most been both frustrating and humorous, followed two main rules. First, she didn't disclose personal information such as home address, telephone number or work location. Second, she met an online date at a public place such as a coffee shop or restaurant. She also chose to have a few "phone dates" with an online dater before meeting him in person.

Hoping to attract a Jewish John Travolta, she began her personal ad with, "Shall we dance?" One guy responded with a cute, clever message that discussed their common interest in dancing. For their first date, they agreed to meet at local nightclub to show off some fancy footwork.

"There was definitely a chemistry," she said. "We spent three hours dancing, talking and laughing. "After we danced, he just said, 'Good night.' I was dumbfounded. I happen to have a lot of moxie, so I e-mailed him. He e-mailed back that he just didn't feel any chemistry. I thought, when he finds someone with chemistry, it must be like an explosion!"

Rule No. 4: If you're a woman seeking cyberromance, don't be afraid to initiate the first cybercontact.

The anonymity of online dating makes it easier to sever a bad connection, said Michael Slater, 25, a regional sales manager for a Chicago-based corporate relocation company. In other ways, it's leveled the playing field by making it acceptable for a woman to initiate cybercontact. "I know from several friends using Jdate.com that women are e-mailing guys and asking them out," he said.

Rule No. 5: Seek advice from a trusted friend if you're stuck in the dating doldrums.

While it's clear the Internet has changed the rules of dating, some things never change. Singles still seek advice and support from friends and family, said Slater, who is currently attached.

"Sometimes a friend will ask me what I think of a woman's profile, and I'll say, 'You're not going to know unless you try.' They just need an extra boost to click that 'send' button," he said.

"I don't want to be known as a yenta [matchmaker], but I just give my friends a push in the right direction. They've done the same for me."

Rule No. 6: Unfortunately, there are no hard-and-fast formulas that guarantee romantic success, except maybe: Love like you've never been hurt before, and be yourself.

For helpful hints on the dos and don'ts of online dating, check out the SephardiConnection at http://sephardiconnect.com, which features a discussion forum for Jewish singles.