BJE event helps educators guide kids through trauma

When Claire Mikowski got a call from the Bureau of Jewish Education inviting her to last Friday's forum on "Guiding Others Through a Difficult Time," the religious-school principal didn't believe she could possibly find time to attend Friday's last-minute meeting.

"I said no one is going to come," said Mikowski of San Francisco's Congregation Beth Israel-Judea. "We're opening school on Sunday, we're dealing with the aftermath of Tuesday [Sept. 11] and have the High Holy Days all in one week.

"To my surprise, I showed up and so did others. We were there because we needed to be there. We delayed our own feelings to help staff and students get through the week, and for some of us reality just hit yesterday or today. I came to reflect and breathe and learn how to help others."

The 15 or so participants at the BJE in San Francisco began with songs and prayers. Then they discussed their own feelings about the events of Sept. 11 and their personal associations with the attacks.

Mikowski, the daughter of two Holocaust survivors, said her initial reaction was not to hold classes. "I felt like I didn't want to bring Jewish kids to a synagogue, but I talked to people and they all said this is precisely the day we need to come together."

Vicky Kelman also saw the need to bring the community together. The director of the BJE's Jewish Family Education Project, she organized the program in collaboration with the S.F.-based Jewish Family and Children's Services.

"The Holocaust looms large for many, many Jews," said Kelman. "It always follows us. This incident seems to have roots in the Middle East and the Israel connection makes us feel edgy. And the persecution of Muslims -- we have been there and we know how awful that is."

One participant in the forum, Erik Drobey, works for College Kids, a nonprofit based in Oakland. He came because he is concerned that families at his workplace are distancing themselves from the tragic events.

"I want to help them connect themselves to a larger story," he said. "We need to remember and listen to people who have experienced horrendous events like the Holocaust or Kosovo."

Drobey said the presentation by Yael Moses on helping children deal with trauma was particularly useful and he will share these strategies in his workplace. Moses, the director of adult services at JFCS, has been working with parents to help kids through trauma since 1989, when she put together a manual for teachers and parents after the Loma Prieta earthquake.

"The point today was that in order to be there for others we need to know how we are feeling," she said. "We can't deny feelings but [instead] understand them and be real with them. If a teacher feels teary and is crying, she can tell students, 'I know I'm crying and it might be scary for you, but I'm very sad.' It helps kids realize the teacher is not out of control. The point is to make the situation safe for everyone."

Moses said reports of kids' comments after the Sept. 11 tragedy were illuminating and right on the nose. Liz Jaroslow, the director of the Jewish Family Prechool at San Francisco's Congregation Beth Sholom, agreed. Children's responses, she said, ranged from the concrete to the spiritual. "My own son insists that these were not bad people; they just did a very, very bad thing and it was a mistake. And then there is one little girl at school who says it can't happen here because she has a button on her phone that calls the fire department immediately."

Jaroslow also reported that the children's play behavior changed dramatically, with kids building towers and crashing planes into them. She found the songs and prayers used in the meeting to be useful for helping children to deal with their feelings. "I went straight back to school and sang them with all the classes. It brought some kind of closure to a very unsettling week."

Kelman said many people who were unable to attend the forum have asked for handouts, and the group that was there discussed the possibility of meeting regularly.

"Many of us feel this is the beginning of a very hard time," said Kelman. "We may need something to carry us through what looks like a difficult year."