Live from Marin: He’s kitschy, he’s queer, he’s Bruce

Bruce Vilanch's signature moment on the new "Hollywood Squares" occurred in one of the show's opening sequences.

He was asked the question: "You are the most popular fruit in the world -- what are you?"

Vilanch thought about it for a moment, and then gave his response: "Humble."

Since then, the star of what he calls the "Lavender Squares" ("There's always been a queen in that castle!") said he's faced competition from the California Raisins, Chiquita Banana and Richard Hatch.

It's glib one-liners like this that have propelled the portly 52-year-old quipster with the shaggy mien to "almost stardom."

The author of witticism for stars such as Billy Crystal, Whoopi Goldberg and Bette Midler (who gave him his first break as a writer), Vilanch was the star of last year's acclaimed documentary "Get Bruce."

He's also the author of the just-released "Bruce! My Adventures in the Skin Trade." Vilanch will be discussing his tell-all tome at the Marin Jewish Community Center on Sunday and will be interviewed by KGO-Radio's Brian Copeland.

The book details his life in behind-the-scenes Hollywood, and serves up good dish on everyone from the Divine Miss M to the Devout Miss M -- Marie Osmond.

"Writing for the 'Donnie and Marie' show was like falling into a vat of stewardesses," opined Vilanch. "Everybody was drug-free, happy and never cursed. It was like 'Prozac Nation.'"

The book also riffs on Richard Nixon, lesbian code-speak and gay passengers on the Titanic. He calls the Super Bowl "the Academy Awards for straight people."

And during the height of the Monica Lewinsky scandal, he gave a new spin to gay-straight relations in an opener delivered by Bette Midler: "I'm so glad to be in New York at the Gay Men's Health Crisis instead of in Washington at the Straight Men's Health Crisis."

"Sexual malfeasance among the governing elite, has always been a surefire cash cow for the comedy business," he writes. "The feminist movement almost drained all the humor out of sex...Whether you liked her or not, Anita Hill isn't funny."

There are few things in life that the longtime Los Angeles resident likes sans frills.

Judaism, however, is one of them.

Vilanch, raised in New Jersey by adoptive parents, had an observant upbringing.

His grandfather was the founder of the Conservative Temple Emanu-El in Person, N.J., and Vilanch can still recall some Hebrew from his bar mitzvah days.

Additionally, Vilanch went to Israel a couple of times as a youth, once as the president of the local chapter of the United Synagogue Youth. Although Vilanch was raised Conservative, his religious views shifted during his stint in the Holy Land.

"I saw that religion was really ingrained in the culture, and that you didn't need it to be officially sanctioned by anyone, or need 'temple drag,' to practice it."

After returning from Israel, Vilanch stayed away from synagogue life for almost 30 years. He has been a member of the Temple Kol Ami in Los Angeles for almost 10 years now. The Reform congregation welcomes and affirms individuals of all sexual orientations.

"To be honest, I really like Conservative services better," said Vilanch. "They're less showy and use more Hebrew."

Unfortunately, said Vilanch, many Conservative synagogues are not exactly fighting on the frontlines for gay rights.

And Vilanch has never been shy about either his religion or sexuality.

Vilanch was officially "out" long before he was grilled by a U.S. Army psychiatrist who wanted to verify why the then-18-year-old had checked a box declaring himself ineligible for service in Vietnam.

"He asked me if I was a practicing homosexual," said Vilanch. "And I told him no -- I had it down pat."