Paul Kivel, the Oakland author of “Boys Will Be Men,” sees the nation’s recent spate of hate crimes as part of a continuum that could culminate in a new generation of racist shock troops. But the good news, according to Kivel, is that with a little knowledge and a lot of love, the problem can be solved.
Kivel will be reading from his recently published book Wednesday at Modern Times Books in San Francisco and on Sunday, Nov. 7 at Black Oak Books in Berkeley.
“It’s no secret that boys in our society are in trouble,” Kivel says. “But the problem lies with making them part of the problem, not part of the solution. Most boys have a tremendous capacity for justice but there’s rarely a forum for them to express it.”
An educator and social activist, Kivel, 51, has been focusing on men’s issues for some time. He co-founded the Oakland Men’s Project (now defunct) 20 years ago, and is also the author of “Men’s Work” and “Uprooting Racism.” He has also done workshops on violence and racism, including presentations in the Jewish community.
In his book, Kivel describes a society that inculcates racism and sexism from infancy onward. “In unisex jumpsuits, babies are indistinguishable,” the author says. “However, if those same babies are put in pink jumpsuits, they will be told how pretty they are, or cuddled. If they’re wearing blue jumpsuits, they’ll be patted on their chins.”
Such attitudes fortify what Kivel calls the “act-like-a-man” box
By not granting men permission to cry, ask for help or be nurturing, Kivel contends, young men are forced into stereotypical roles.
One of the best ways to avoid that, the author suggests, is to engage in an ancient Jewish tradition: kibitzing.
“Talk to your sons,” Kivel urges. “If there’s a football coach who tells the players they’re acting like girls, find out how your son feels about it. Take a little time to explain homophobia and sexism.”
Other Jewish traditions can also help young men become part of a nonsexist society. “Judaism has a very healthy view of sexuality,” Kivel says. “Jewish tradition believes in sexuality as a positive force. Jewish texts are full of passages depicting men pleasing their wives, and couples engaged in vibrant sexual relationships.”
Noting that teenagers and young men are often held captive by rampant hormones, Kivel dissuades adults from adopting a “just say no” attitude in their discussions on the subject. When parents portray sexuality in a negative and fearful light, Kivel argues, young men are being done a disservice.
Kivel also advocates teaching young Jewish men about the proud legacy of Jewish activism and the important role Jews played in the civil rights movement of the ’60s. Beyond that, in order to understand and combat racism, Kivel posits a question he feels many Jews, including himself, struggle with.
“Are Jews white?” Kivel asks. He says that people of color see most Jews as white, while white Christians perceive Jews as Semitic “outsiders.”
Also on the subject of skin color, Kivel noted that convicted killer Timothy McVeigh, L.A-area JCC shooting suspect Buford O. Furrow, and the Columbine High School killers all share a lack of pigment.
“It’s the theory of the diminishing land of plenty. White people, and men in particular, are beginning to see the government as agents of their destruction,” he said. “They feel that their skin color no longer gives them the privileges they took for granted.”
Kivel, who has conducted hundreds of workshops for teens and men, says the most important key to raising socially aware young men is to constantly question prevailing stereotypes. “When every villain on TV is a person of color, and there are no female heroes, the questions our young men need to be asking is simple: ‘Why?'”