Jewish couples may need to resolve differences, too

Intermarrieds are not the only couples dealing with differing religious beliefs.

There are many happily married Jewish couples who either were raised in families with different levels of observance or change their own religious practices for a variety of reasons.

For some couples, the level of observance can lead to conflict, particularly when they have small children at home.

Here are profiles of two Jewish couples and how they are dealing with their varying levels of practice.

Karen and Marty Forman of Mequon, Wisc., admit to conflicts because Karen has become increasingly religious while Marty "never intended to be more Jewish than to attend services on the High Holidays."

Karen Forman grew up in a small community in New Jersey with few Jewish families. "I rarely dated Jews," she said. "But, when I moved here I met people who were so steeped into the basics of Judaism and their cultural heritage that it interested me. "

Karen Forman began taking women's classes at a local synagogue. She said that after those classes she reached the point where she wanted to apply her knowledge and serve God in some way.

"I wanted to join the shul, but my husband hesitated until I showed a level of consistency in my participation," she said. "I accepted his challenge and have continually become more and more involved. I felt I was developing a Jewish identity and I liked it."

Marty Forman, on the other hand, was hesitant.

"I really just thought it was a phase," he said. "Now I live next door to a shul so she can walk there on Shabbat and have a kosher kitchen in my house.

"It's hard to say if this lifestyle bothers me," he continued. "I was never interested in Jewish issues or defined my life in terms of being Jewish. I feel mixed about it." However, he finds it difficult, philosophically, to argue against anyone having a personal relationship with his or her creator.

On the other hand, when he offers to be the 10th man for a minyan so others may pray, he said he doesn't read the prayers. "I don't swallow this stuff," he said.

Karen Forman said she would never impose her Judaism on her husband. "Above all, I believe in shalom bais [peace in the home] -- otherwise everything else is meaningless. I don't believe God dwells in a home without peace and I am so grateful to my husband for his tolerance."

They both admitted to feeling a sense of pain by not sharing more. Karen Forman said, "We fight. There is tension, probably caused by my being too strong religiously for him. I hold the religious attitude that we are all given our share of darkness which we turn into light. This is my dark time, which I believe will turn into light when we grow together."

They are both concerned about the confusion their differing beliefs have on their children. Marty Forman rides his motorcycle while his wife and kids walk to shul.

"I'm concerned," he said, "that we don't speak in one voice and that we have different opinions about what we are compelled to do."

He said he eats most of his meals out, except for Shabbat dinner. "It's easier because I'm afraid I'll screw up the kitchen. There are rabbis who eat in our home, trusting that it's OK, so I don't want to bring anything bad into the house."

Karen Forman said she feels "sorry that in observing Shabbat, I've taken away 'our' together time on the weekend. I have been much more unfair than he has."

Her husband admitted that he has mixed emotions about his wife's changed lifestyle.

"I go back and forth. I hope she doesn't do anything else, but not go back, either."

Shirley Denemark contended that she, too, is more observant in her Judaic practices than her husband, Murray, though both grew up in observant families. Married 50 years, the couple belongs to a congregation and lights Shabbat candles together.

"But, that's about it," Shirley Denemark said. "Over the last 20 years I've studied Torah and Talmud, but my husband isn't interested. Today, we're both Reform Jews, but I see myself as more of a universalist in my thinking. I came to know God through meditations."

Her husband said, "Her practice of Judaism has never been a problem for us. Actually, it more than likely has had a positive effect on our marriage."

A teacher at the JCC nursery school, she went on the Jewish educators' "In the footsteps of Joshua" trip. "I went to Israel and that changed my life," she said. Her husband didn't want to go.

He acknowledged that for a while "Judaism was rough for her." When the couple first married, he went to services alone.

"We kept a kosher home and I did tefillin everyday. I never ate out until I went into the [military] service. Our three children all had bar and bat mitzvahs and she was involved, but it wasn't until she came back from her trip to Israel that she 'found' herself. Then she started going to services again," he said.

She attends many humanistic workshops and said she is still into spiritual and intellectual growth.

Though she believes in God, she thinks there is more than one way to reach God. "My husband accepts my thinking and what I'm doing, but we have a different belief system," she said. "We accept each other and make accommodations."

Shirley Denemark said she learned how to pray while in Israel. "It was really something I didn't know how to do. Since then I've done a lot of spiritual traveling and real traveling to many Third World countries. Through these experiences I've been able to take spirituality from other religions back to Judaism. Now I feel Jewish."

She added, "Every thinking person has different perceptions. My husband and I accept each other's. He may have felt threatened when he saw me changing and sometimes asks me questions, but it's not his focus."

Said her husband: "I don't go along with her ideas, but I would never stop her. It just isn't what I feel. If she wants to make herself better, it's fine with me. There haven't been any negatives."