SJM seeking SJF

Some personal ads from Jewish newspapers:

Nice Jewish boy, age 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.

Couch potato latke in search of the right applesauce. Let’s try it for eight days. Who knows?

Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul, light Shabbat candles, celebrate holidays, build sukkah together, attend bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.

Orthodox woman with get seeks man who got get or can get get. Get it?

Sincere rabbinical student, 27, enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B’Av, the Fast of Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asara B’Teves, Shiva Asar B’Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the fast lane.

Yeshiva bocher, Torah scholar. Long beard, payes. Seeks same in woman.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.

Female graduate student. Studying Kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks. Seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.

Jewish businessman, 49. Manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, Havdallah candles, yahrtzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.

I am a sensitive Jewish prince who you can open your heart to, share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.

Jewish male, 34. Very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.

© david minkoff


At war with the IRS

Moshe, the owner of a small kosher New York deli, is being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

“Why don’t you people leave me alone?” the deli owner says. “I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is closed only three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?”

“It’s not your income that bothers us,” the agent replies. “It’s these travel deductions. You listed 10 trips to Israel for you and your wife.”

“Oh, that?” says the owner. “Well … we also deliver.”