The Jewish New Year, while a joyous time, can be a maze of social, familial and apple-related responsibilities. Rather than dwell on the serious side, here are a few things to keep in mind to make sure Rosh Hashan-“ugh!” becomes Rosh Hashan-“ahh!”
It seems that apples gain magic powers during this time of year: You dip them into something sweet, and you have a sweet new year. If that’s the case, what happens when you dip apples into other things?
For a rich new year: Alfredo sauce
For a happy new year: On a clown
To meet a nice, Jewish girl: Old Birthright t-shirts
Conversely, if you dip your fingers into honey and then rub it onto an apple, you get a sweet tan. That’s a little weirder than these other ones, so you should probably avoid it.
Family dinner can only mean one thing: “Where are the Jewish babies?”
To avoid questions like this, you need to comment on the food as much as possible. Your parents will notice you’re eating a lot, and this will please but more importantly distract them. Use phrases like:
“This gefilte fish just spun a dreidel in my stomach, and it landed on gimel!”
“These scalloped potatoes come from the land of milk and yummy!”
You show up to evening services, and suddenly you are amidst hundreds of other sharply dressed Jews scrambling for the good seats. You want to be far enough away from the front so no one sees if you start to drift and your head hits the person in front of you. Save three seats on either side of your family: When you’re called upon to turn to your neighbors and say “Shanah Tovah!” you can avoid sweaty handshakes, or Jewish-themed small talk.