Sleeping in?

On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Gladys goes into the bedroom to wake her son and tell him it’s time to get ready to go to shul, to which he replies in a dull voice, “I’m not going.”

“Why not?” Gladys demands.

“l’ll give you two good reasons, Mother,” he says. “One, they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like them.”

Gladys replies in an exasperated voice, “Well, mister, I’ll give you two good reasons why you are going: One, you’re 54 years old, and two, you’re the rabbi.”


What a blast


Gerald asks his friend Bernie why he has no clocks in his house — how does he know what time it is?

Bernie says he just figures it out.

But Gerald asks, “What if you wake up in the middle of the night? How can you figure out the time?”

Says Bernie, “I just use a shofar.”

“How can you use a shofar to tell what time it is?”

Bernie explains, “I lean out the window and blow the shofar at full blast — and someone inevitably screams, ‘What are you, crazy?! It’s 2:45 in the morning!”


Identity crisis

It’s Friday morning in Teaneck, N.J., and outside one of the kosher delicatessens, a man walks over to another man, slaps him hard on his back and says, “Rosenberg! Shalom, how nice to see you again.”

The slapped man angrily responds, “Oy, have you got the wrong person! My name isn’t Rosenberg. And in any case, what’s the idea of hitting me so hard?”

“So it’s your business how hard I decide to hit Rosenberg?” replies the first man.

© david minkoff


Brotherly love


A religious school teacher at Congregation Tehillah is discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5- and 6-year-olds students. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asks, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat, one little boy answers, “Thou shalt not kill.”